House
Maternity

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Sara M: A | Grade It Now!
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Maybe Dead Baby

After the commercial, House goes over his brilliant parasite-killing plan with Cuddy and the hospital's lawyer. Needless to say, Cuddy and the lawyer aren't too thrilled with it. "You can't experiment on babies," Cuddy says, sounding more tired and sad than angry. House says he'll get the parents' consent, although he will not be telling them that they're giving another baby a different treatment to see which baby dies, since that would be violating confidentiality and, more importantly, would make the parents say no. Basically, it comes down to this: there are now six sick babies. What will get the hospital in more legal trouble: one dead baby or six? "You can't do it," the lawyer says. House looks at Cuddy. She shakes her head and tells House to do what he thinks is best. Uh oh.

In the privacy of his office, House flips a coin. I'm sure the dead baby's parents will be comforted to know that the decision was not made with some cheap-ass penny.

In separate scenes, Foreman and Cameron tell Max's parents and the lesbians that they're taking their babies off one of the antibiotics. Max's parents ask Foreman if their baby will live. Never one to mince words, Foreman says it's a "Hail Mary pass." Where's Franco Harris when you need him? The lesbians also want to know if their baby will live, but Cameron chooses not to use sports analogies in favor of skirting around the truth: "We'll know in twenty-four hours if it's working," she says, neglecting to mention that the way they'll know it isn't working is that their son will be dead.

Cameron leaves the lesbians smiling and hugging because they think their baby will be cured by tomorrow. Wilson, of course, is right there to notice, and he asks Cameron what she told the parents to make them seem so relieved and happy. They should not be relieved and happy. They should be crying and doing research on football slang. Cameron says she told them the truth (sort of), and that if their son does end up dying, it won't really matter if a doctor gave them hope or not the day before. Saint Cameron says she just wanted to give the parents a few hours of hope, like she's so generous and unselfish because her inability to deal with her Issues means her patients' families get a free ride on the Emotional Roller Coaster.

House's escape from his office is thwarted when the pregnant lady from the clinic runs up, her husband in tow. House is extremely annoyed to see her, and demands to know who told her where his office was. It was probably one of those volunteers they have at the front desk. Volunteers cause all sorts of problems (spoiler!). The pregnant mom won't be put off by House's obvious total revulsion, however, because she thought of a great plan to get that paternity test without her husband knowing and she is going to see it through, dammit! "This is about the mono that you said I had," she says. The mono that they need to test her husband for to see if he has it, too. And while they're doing that test, if the blood sample happens to fall into a thermal cycler, undergo capillary electrophoresis, and be compared to the DNA profile of the unborn baby, well, that'd be a happy little accident for Mom, wouldn't it? "Shouldn't Charlie be tested?" Mom asks. "You know, the test? The blood test?" The "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" is implied. Good thing Husband is as stupid as his wife and doesn't pick up on the fact that something is afoot. Their baby is going to be really stupid. House finally gets the hint and apologizes for the confusion; he got her mixed up with one of his other patients, "an idiot who doesn't know how to use birth control." Oh, come now, House. I mean, yes, she's an idiot, but she did use birth control. It was just inserted by a doctor of indeterminate skill. House enters the elevator (drink!) and tells the couple to call his office tomorrow morning to schedule the "blood tests." When people call House's office, whom do they talk to? Surely not House himself, but I've never seen a hint of a secretary. That just leaves Cameron. Good thing telling patients half-truths is right up her alley!

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