Merry Little Christmas

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
A Little Of This, A Little Of That

Wilson tells Maddy that they'll be doing an LP a little higher up on Abigail than usual because of her dwarfism. He says that they're testing her for both cancer and lupus, and she starts to figure out that they have no idea what's killing her daughter. "We have several theories," says Wilson, trying to look knowledgeable. Maddy asks for House, and is told by stammering crap liar Wilson that House "had to go home sick." Maddy says that House had better be really freaking sick to go home instead of saving her daughter's life. Wilson says that he is. Yeah, he's sick, all right. Sick of you!

There's another knock at House's door. This time, it's Cameron. I'm disappointed; I wanted it to be Maddy. Oh well. "Unless you've got Vicodin, go away," House calls through the door. I'll bet a few delivery people were very confused by that greeting today. "House, it's me!" says Cameron, expecting that to change his mind. But he opens the door slightly, revealing a very sick-looking House indeed. Dude, that's a lot of detoxing in just one day. "Oh, God," says Cameron when she sees him. Well, that will make him feel ever so much better, I'm sure. Also, why is Cameron in soft focus in this shot? Is it even Cameron? All I see is a fuzzy peach-colored blob, which only tells me that it isn't Foreman. Cameron notices that House has a bandaged, still-bleeding arm. "I cut myself," he says. Cameron forces herself inside, much to House's dismay, although he doesn't stop her, either. I really hope he cut himself by accident. I don't think I'll be able to take this show seriously if House turns into a teenage girl who cuts herself.

Cameron takes care of House's arm wound, and says that they know Abigail doesn't have lymphoma. And she isn't here on Cuddy's request; she says that Cuddy doesn't trust her not to give House pills. "Is she right?" House asks ever-so-hopefully. Cameron notices that the cuts on House's arm are straight lines. "You did this on purpose!" she says. Oh...oh. Oh, no. My show has turned into a Lifetime movie. Tori Spelling is going to get raped by the captain of the football team and a normal, well-to-do housewife has a secret gambling addiction that threatens to tear her family apart! Is that Meredith Baxter-Birney I see lurking around the corner? Someone is going to SLEEP WITH DANGER! But there's still hope, as House simply states that cutting releases endorphins, which relieve pain. When presented all straightforward and scientific like that, it's not so bad. Whew! Show: saved. Although...aren't there other things that release endorphins? Like laughter? Why not try that instead, House? Sigh. Cameron presses House to talk about Abigail, but he says that once the girl is cured, Cuddy will have no reason to give him Vicodin. Cameron doubts that Cuddy will fold regardless of what happens to Abigail. House sighs and says that Cameron's autoimmune diagnosis fits better than Wilson's, although lupus usually attacks the kidneys first, and Abigail's kidneys are fine. That, and the fact that it's never lupus. Cameron urges House to take the deal, saying that he'll be fine without Vicodin. She points out that, after he got shot, he stayed "clean" for months. And how did he go about that, exactly? Maybe his ketamine coma outlasted the withdrawal symptoms? House says that staying off Vicodin was easy then because he wasn't in pain.

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