House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | 5 USERS: B
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Who's the Fairest One of All?

House heads back to his office, where Cole and 13 finally have an answer for him about Frank's identity: his name is Robert Elliot and he's from Ohio. They give House a box full of everything that was in Robert's trunk and glove compartment. House examines it and says they don't need to do a heart biopsy after all -- House knows what Robert has and they just saved his life. Cole is thrilled until House says he was just joking. The box is full of Vapo-Rub and lunch receipts. That doesn't tell them anything. And at this point, the heart biopsy will tell them what they need to know faster than Robert's medical files will, so their finding out Robert's real identity is useless. 13 and Cole's shoulders slump and they leave, but House calls 13 back. Aw, crap. I was enjoying this relatively 13-free episode. House asks her why she wanted to help Cole, figuring the answer is that she didn't want to be around Robert and have her identity mirrored. Too bad!

House leads her into Robert's room, where Foreman is preparing to do the biopsy. House tells him to go iron Cuddy's shirts and shoves 13 forward to take over. He tells her to talk to Robert. But the person Robert mirrors isn't 13 -- it's House, since he's the dominant personality in the room. "My god, you are hot," Robert tells 13. That's all Robert can get from House? Really? House tries to make Robert think 13 is in charge, but it doesn't work. And Robert's rash comes back, so they need to make his fever even higher.

House leaves the room and finds Kumar in the hall. He tells him to go into Robert's room and spy on whatever Robert says to 13. I don't care about 13 or her mysteries. I really don't. If I wanted mysteries in a hospital, I'd watch Diagnosis Murder. All we get from Robert when he and 13 are alone together is that he's scared. I'm scared, too. Scared that 13 will become a regular cast member. 13 leaves the room and tells House that the biopsy revealed nothing but healthy pink tissue. And his rash is still coming. Kumar says they'll have to put him back in the hot tub, which Robert should be happy with, since he loves hot tubs. "No, you love hot tubs," House says. Kumar mutters that he hates hot tubs. Dude, who hates hot tubs? House picks up on this and says that when Robert said he liked hot tubs, he must have been speaking for himself. He wasn't mirroring anyone. Right, because you always know whether or not someone likes hot tubs based on a three-second conversation with them THIS PLOT DEVICE IS SO STUPID. It didn't have to be, but that's the way it worked out. House thinks of a way to trigger more of Robert's own memories.

He walks into Robert's room wearing Robert's clothes with his hair combed down all Robert-like. Doing his best Robert impression, House says his name is Robert Elliot, from Hamilton, Ohio. House puts the shoebox full of Robert's car stuff on the table and asks Robert why he's in New Jersey. "Work," Robert says slowly. But he can't tell them what type of work he does. Also, he has a fever of 107 degrees, so I think he's kind of dead now, isn't he? Oh well! House starts going through Robert's receipts, saying he eats out a lot. He lists the restaurants off, and Robert says he knows them. "They're convenient," he says. Apparently, he's on the road a lot. House whips out the Vapo-Rub and hands it to Robert. He takes it and smears it in his nostrils, then inhales deeply like one of those people in the Febreze commercials. House has no idea why, of all the uses Vapo-Rub has, Robert would choose this one. Robert says it's so he can't smell the dung. Here's where my mad diagnostic skillz figured out that Robert just had a piece of shit wedged up his nose this whole time that somehow caused memory loss and sludge blood.

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House

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