House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | 5 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Who's the Fairest One of All?

Wilson walks in on Cuddy rifling around House's office. She's found his secret secret secret stash of pills in the lupus book and is going to replace his Vicodin with laxatives. Wilson tells her not to stoop to House's level, but Cuddy says this will give him a reason to stop attacking her. Cuddy, apparently, has never participated in a prank war. People don't stop if you make them shit a lot, Cudster. They get you back. Wilson has another suggestion: make House think he's won. If she can soothe his tremendous ego, he'll give up on getting her back for hiring Foreman. Cuddy sighs. "Where were you two hours ago?" she asks Wilson. Wilson pauses, then asks: "Where were you?"

House exits the men's bathroom a split second after flushing the toilet, which doesn't give him much time for hand-washing. Gross. Random Guy gives him the results of the CSF history, which shows antibodies to bacteria common in the Ohio River Valley, the San Joaquin Valley, and Central America. Foreman points out that there are explanations for why Frank would have those antibodies that don't have him living in any of those places, so the test is kind of useless. House says it's better than nothing, and Kumar runs up to report that Frank's rash is back. Apparently, it's not too hot in the hot tub. House tells them to inject Frank with something that will heat his body from the inside, then runs back to the bathroom.

Sadly for all of us, Foreman follows House in there to tell him that the lipopolysaccharides House wants to fill Frank with could make him too hot -- he could get a fever of 110 degrees and be the proud new owner of a fried brain. House tries to get Foreman to leave by pointing out how bad it smells in the bathroom and how it's not going to get any better. It smells, you see, because House is taking a shit. I can't believe they didn't insert pooping sound effects at this point. It's not like there's anything left to lose. Anyway, I hope this scene is included on the Emmy reel. Foreman stays in the room until House starts attacking him, asking him if he likes being Cuddy's "errand boy."

Just to prove House right, Foreman apparently went right to Cuddy and did some errand-boying, as she confronts House outside the bathroom about his crazy plan of giving a sick guy a fever. House says it's the only way to keep Frank warm enough to not die. Cuddy won't allow it, but House says it's not like she'll fire him, so whatever. And Cuddy gives up. That was too easy, and House sees right through her plan to make House think he's won in order to stroke his ego. He says it will not work, and he won't stop ruining her life until Foreman is out of his. Cuddy says she will not back down. "I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin," House says. Well, yeah, he does now. Cuddy smirks at how she got him until he continues: "Do you know when your birth-control pills aren't birth-control pills?" The smile disappears. Okay, except that I think she would know, since they're sort of in that tamper-resistant packaging and I would hope she keeps her birth-control pills at home and not, like, at work. All this is moot, however, since last time we heard, Cuddy wanted to have a baby really really bad and was having her ass injected to do it! But she couldn't get pregnant. And now she's fertile enough to need birth-control pills? The fuck? It's like this episode was written by someone who's never seen the show before and edited by a bunch of writers who were too busy planning their strike to get some well-deserved royalties to give it much attention.

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House

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