House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A+ | 1 USERS: B+
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Three Strikes

While Taub and Biana do their jobs in the lab and test Jeff for various liver ailments, Kumar does some extra credit work, checking out the syphilis test he ran on some of House's blood he apparently found lying around. And it's positive. Everyone greets this news with grave looks on their faces, as if syphilis isn't easily cured. They're so shocked and upset, in fact, that no one questions why there would be a vial of House's blood lying around the lab in the first place or if that blood was fresh enough or properly stored to even run an accurate test. I mean, come on.

House is watching his soap opera, which I'm sure we won't be hearing any more about in next week's episode, when his entire staff enters his office. By the way, I love the way the soap actress lady said the line "it will destroy her!" The four line up in front of House's desk and Kumar, his tone super-grave, tells House to turn off the TV. This is silly. I once recapped an episode of 7th Heaven where one of the Camden kids paid dearly for daring to have premarital sex by worrying that he might have an STD. They never said which STD, but Simon ran around acting like it was the end of the world when most STDs can be cured with antibiotics. In fact, I have a friend who got Chlamydia in college and they just gave him one big pill. I'm sure it's no fun to get an STD, but this isn't Victorian times anymore. That episode of 7th Heaven was stupid and so is this. Taub gives the news about the patient first, saying he tested positive for (non-viral, although I'm not sure why that's relevant) hepatitis. Um ... that sounds like a problem. And a big deal. But they never really mention it again, so whatever. House orders Taub to put Jeff on steroids and test him for sarcoidosis. Taub is happy to have an assignment and escape from this awkwardness, but Biana won't let him leave, whispering "we're all doing this." Oh, come on now! All four of them need to deliver this news? Do all four of them even need to know this news? Note to my friends: if you ever happen to come across a vial of my blood and have STD testing equipment and something comes up positive, please don't gather everyone I know and come to my apartment to deliver the news, okay? You can just text me. No biggie.

"You have syphilis," Foreman announces. How embarrassing. House turns his television off and denies it. Kumar says "one of" the Cottages found a vial of his blood in the lab. No one will say who that Cottage was, although since this happened in the lab and not the conference room I think House can safely assume it wasn't Foreman. "It's treatable," Foreman says. Yeah, I think House knows this, considering the fact that he's treating one of his patients for it right now. I also don't think he has syphilis. Biana hands House some syphilis-curing pills she got from the pharmacy, so Marco the Pharmacist probably knows about this, too. House looks sad, which is weird and should be telling the Cottages that he's totally playing them. Except that they're too nice to be suspicious, so Kumar gently asks House if he's okay. House doesn't answer him and sad music plays. Syphilis is not AIDS, people. What is the problem here? Just because he has syphilis doesn't mean it's neurosyphilis, or that it's caused him to be mean, or that the meanness has caused him to be a brilliant doctor! They're treating this like they did the last time House tricked his team into thinking he was sick, and that was terminal brain cancer! This is slightly lower on the serious illness spectrum. The Cottages decide to leave House alone with his syphilis-ridden thoughts.

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House

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