House writes Jeff's symptoms on the board, being sure to include "NICENESS" in big angry letters. House comes up with all manner of hardcore diagnoses for Jeff, such as tongue cancer and various metabolic disorders. Taub, whose glass is half-full, says if you discount the niceness symptom, it could just be the flu. 13 thinks she's so awesome when she sarcastically wonders if Jeff has both the flu and "decent parenting." House says that Jeff's niceness wasn't in order to accomplish anything or suck up to anyone, and therefore must be some sort of genetic defect. Kumar scoffs at this; "niceness is a defect?" Meanwhile, Kumar only just noticed that House put niceness up on the board as a symptom, so who's slow now? House proves his theory by showing how evolution cleverly removed the nice cavemen from our species, as they all died out after inviting attackers over for dinner. This is some shaky scientific ground, but Foreman entertains House's theory and asks how long Jeff has been "suffering" from his niceness. House says at least as long as his wife has known him, which is eleven years. Foreman asks how Jeff could have a symptom so long without developing further complications. You mean like fainting and tasting lemon meringue pie? "What are you saying? That evolution is wrong? Where do you think we are? Twenty-first century America?" House asks. Oh, snap, creationists! You just got told. It's cute of House to think that the tendency to ignore scientific evidence in favor of biblical fantasy is limited to America, however.
For more pseudo-scientific generalizations, we go over to Kumar, who says "the world is a bell curve." Thus, while most people will be equal parts nice and mean, some will be mostly mean and some will be mostly nice. Case in point, Kumar says subtlely: House, who's at the "asshole" end of the spectrum just in case you hadn't already figured that out. Meanwhile, Foreman suspects that House is just trying to prove that niceness is a bad thing so he can keep being an asshole and chalk it up to an evolutionary advantage. House kindly offers to take a vote, first asking who thinks niceness is not a symptom immediately, and then providing a follow-up question of who thinks his vote matters. Guess what? Only House raises his hand for the second question, and he's right. With that, House sends Kumar and Foreman off to break into Jeff's house. He addresses 13 as "31," and she corrects him, setting him up to say "oh, I'm sorry -- I thought that either way was good for you." Cause she's BISEXUAL!!!! They're going to get a lot of mileage out of this, aren't they? Which reminds me, I'm still calling her Biana until the show gives her a real name. Anyway, Biana and Taub are assigned to MRI of DOOOM! duty to look for tumors and to test all of Jeff's bodily fluids.