House

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House returns to PPTH to find Kumar and Foreman standing outside, which is a nice change of scenery. Kumar says the colonoscopy was clean. House says it must be cancer, then, but Foreman says a clean colonoscopy proves nothing. But it traumatizes forever. Foreman says the kid might not have inherited her dad's condition. Even if she did, it's an intermittent thing and only opens right before the person dies. So then why do the colonoscopy at all? House hates children. House points out that the only way they have of knowing when the condition strikes is after the patient's already dead. Speaking of people who are already dead, Kumar thinks they can make Frank's colon work again and see if there's a perforation by shooting a high-pressure water jet up poor Frank's ass. Foreman protests, but House interrupts him to give Kumar the word. I don't even know what's going on anymore. Stuffing a dead man's ass full of water can't be legal or medically relevant. It just can't.

Kumar's having trouble shoving the tube up poor dead Frank's ass. Foreman, who's wearing a permanent look of disdain for this entire procedure, points out that six hours after death, bowels tend to close up. With that, Kumar breaks out the water spray device and shoots it around the room. I'm not sure if he's doing that by accident or on purpose. Either way, it gives me little faith in his competence. Kumars the water spray opens up the bowel, much to Foreman's surprise. And disgust, as he has to push Frank's torso area back as it fills with pressurized water. When he does this, there's seepage. Brown seepage. What's worse than watching a little girl have a colonoscopy? Seeing shit pour out of a dead man's Y incision. Kumar thinks he's reached the end of the colon and found nothing. Foreman wonders if it only looks like the end. Perhaps the dark area is some kind of lesion. Kumar increases the pressure of the water to find out. Foreman warns/begs him not to increase it too much. I think we all know what happens next. Yes, shit explodes out of Frank's abdomen and all over Foreman. And his mouth is open when it happens, too. I can't believe they let this on network TV during the eight o'clock hour, but the look on Kumar's face makes it all worth it. Foreman's is pretty great, too. But I'll bet the look on the widow's face when the body of her husband is returned to her will be even more amazing.

Meanwhile, Apple's not doing well. "It's finally accelerating," Hadley says, as if she's pissed at the mystery disease for taking its sweet time. Apple is having trouble breathing and her heart is racing. But her colon is free of leaks, so there's something. Taub wonders if they should revisit the autoimmune diagnosis. House does not want to do that. He says four out of the five dead transplantees died suddenly and without warning. Frank and Apple, on the other hand, experienced a much slower progression. But it won't be that slow, so they can't waste time on old diagnoses. "Nothing fits!" Kumar says. I'll give him a pass for whining since he at least brought the (completely insane) intestinal diagnosis to the table. And got dead man shit all over Foreman. House institutes a new rule: no one can talk unless he has a new diagnosis. The conference room is silent. House gets up and tells the Cottages to look for markers in Apple's spinal fluid and sequence her genes while he starts treating her for the cancer he's not sure she has. Hadley points out that chemo is toxic and not such a good idea for someone who doesn't have cancer. Um, Hadley? I think House knows that chemo is toxic. He says he'd rather treat her for something she doesn't have than do nothing. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure each cancer has a specific type of treatment so it won't do any good if you don't know which type of cancer you're dealing with.

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House

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