Cuddy and House collapse on the bed, naked and sweaty and breathing hard. So were they having sex while hovering in the air above the bed? Standing up on the bed? That can't be good for House's leg. Cuddy totally ruins (or possibly enhances) their post-coital bliss by asking House why he didn't let Wilson in the apartment. "You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool! So was I," House responds. Huh. But while House may have been thinking about Wilson's body, Cuddy was thinking about House's motivation not to let Wilson in. "You were hiding me from him. Why?" Cuddy demands. House says he was simply "protecting [Cuddy's] privacy." This from the guy who once announced to the entire PPTH lobby that he was having sex with her. "Why would we be doing all this if I wanted to be private?" she says. Um ... because it's more fun that way? Oh, and because everyone at PPTH will surely think less of Cuddy for dating an asshole like House? Or maybe because someone is bound to call children's services just in case House comes anywhere near Cuddy's child? How about the fact that, as of yesterday, Cuddy was engaged to another man? There are so many reasons. Then it occurs to Cuddy that perhaps House isn't ready to go public about being with her.
Chase and Hadley play chess in Richardson's bedroom (apparently, he doesn't have a living room) while they wait for the drugs to hopefully take effect. Chase mentions that the drugs they gave him are kind of dangerous, but Hadley says since she hasn't heard him collapse on the floor, she's going to assume he's still "quietly puking" and not dead. Does anyone with food poisoning (or whatever we're supposed to think Richardson has) puke quietly? Hadley reminds us all that she doesn't care what happens to Richardson as long as PPTH has a neurosurgeon, then chides Chase for being too much of a "girl" to make his chess move. And then, because it's all about Hadley, she asks Chase when he's going to lay into her about going to Rome for the Huntington's trial. He says he won't, although he would like to ask her to sleep with him.You see, Chase has been slowly trying to woo Hadley, but now that she's suddenly leaving tomorrow, he has to take the fast, direct approach. Let's see, how many things are wrong with this? First of all, stop sleeping with your co-workers, Chase. This isn't Grey's Anatomy. Second, don't sleep with your co-worker's ex-girlfriend. Third, stop making Hadley seem like God's gift to everything. The fact that she's attractive shouldn't mean much to Chase by now, seeing as he's known her long enough to know how much her personality sucks. But I guess they have to do this so Hadley's transition into Cameron can be complete. Cameron who? Exactly. Before Hadley can respond, Richardson pops into the room looking and feeling much better. He says he's fit enough to return to PPTH. Also, "that lamp is shiny." The lamp in question is not shiny. Chase assumes Richardson is feeling side effects from the drugs Hadley gave him, one of which was apparently LSD. Hadley doesn't care as long as they get Richardson to PPTH.
House has a fabulous idea on how to prove to Cuddy that he isn't afraid to go public with their relationship: a sex tape. They can send it to Wilson, who, as we know, has some experience with those. Some noise in the kitchen alerts them to the fact that someone is trying to break in. As if that could be anyone but Wilson. And yet, House is ready to defend himself and his lady with his nearby sword. If the burglar is a breakaway champagne bottle, it had better watch out.
Sure enough, it is Wilson trying to break in. Unfortunately, his pear-shapedness has gotten him stuck halfway through House's window. House greets him by sticking his sword in Wilson's face. Wilson doesn't seem to mind that too much. House decides to enjoy having Wilson stuck in his window and makes himself some tea. Despite his compromising position, Wilson lectures House on his behavior recently, saying that of course it would lead Wilson to assume that he was back on drugs. House begs to differ, saying he's having sex with his girlfriend. For some reason, Wilson doesn't believe him. And so, House assists him into his apartment to prove it. He says that he is not spending the day with a hooker, but with a real girlfriend whose name "begins with 'C' and ends with 'Uddy.'" That could be anyone, from Cathy Buddy to Colleen Fluddy, but Wilson assumes that House is talking about Cuddy. And that he's having more Vicodin hallucinations. House walks him to his bedroom to show her off, only to find it empty. For a second, I thought maybe House was hallucinating again and how that would be kind of cool in that it was unexpected, but also lame since the writers have already done it. Both House and Cuddy's out-of-character behavior would have made more sense that way, though. Anyway, while we wonder what's going on, Wilson holds his "I knew it!" disappointed parent expression for like twenty minutes before we go to a commercial.
After the break, Wilson finishes up his physical exam of House, reporting that everything seems fine. If he's not on Vicodin right now, then, he wants to know why House lied to him about Cuddy. House says he was trying to shut Wilson up, as if that's possible or that claiming he's sleeping with Cuddy would do the trick. Apparently, though, it's enough for Wilson this time, and he offers to hang out with House if he wants company. House says he doesn't, but Wilson doesn't get the hint, saying that House shouldn't be alone after what he went through last night. House says he'll call a hooker over if he feels lonely, and apparently that's consistent enough with how Wilson expects House to behave that he leaves him alone. House finds Cuddy hiding in his closet. So yes, we can assume that she is real and not a hallucination after all. I'm still not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.
While Cuddy's assistant watches, Hadley and Taub tend to Richardson in a Clinic room. Richardson sings their praises, as well as those of the fluorescent lights overhead. Cuddy's assistant suspects that Richardson is not up to performing surgery, but Taub (who really should be better at deceiving people) stammers that he's just suffering from high blood sugar and will be fine once they pump him full of fluids. Cuddy's Ass says he'd better be, since the DPH guy will be there in twenty minutes. With that, he runs out of the room, and Taub asks Hadley what Richardson's real problem is. Hadley says Chase is doing labs right now, but their top two candidates are hepatitis and a peptic ulcer. Huh? I had an ulcer once and I don't remember ever feeling awesome or seeing light trails during the weeks I was suffering from it. Although, oddly enough, I did have a conversation with Robert Sean Leonard about whales during that time. Taub finally asks Hadley about her leave of absence. She says she's flying out tomorrow and doesn't know how long she'll be gone. Which is great news, because that means forever is still on the table, right? Hadley expects Taub to discourage her from this, but he says he thinks she should go for every possibility to get better that she can. I agree. Especially since it means her not being on the show for a while.
And now it's House's turn to be offended. Cuddy claims that she only hid from Wilson because she didn't want House to feel "pressured" to tell the truth about them. I think it's more like Cuddy suddenly gained an ounce of sanity and realized that she should probably be kind of ashamed of herself f