Occam's Razor

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | 14 USERS: A+
The Simplest Explanation...

Chase and Foreman get to work doing all kinds of tests on Brandon, who still has that nasty cough on top of all his other problems, while Mindy hovers over them and criticizes their style. She wants them to treat Brandon, not test him! Foreman curtly responds that they can't treat Brandon until their tests tell them what he needs to be treated for. Unless you're Dr. House.

Speaking of whom, House reports to clinic duty with all the non-enthusiasm he can muster. Cuddy's already there, and reprimands him for being late. House says he had a busy caseload. "One case is not a 'load,'" Cuddy says. House gives her a look that says he'd like to drop a load on her face. He asks if they're well-supplied on Q-tips today, volunteering to "run home" if they need any extra. I wonder what House does at home that he would need such an abundant supply of cotton swabs. Tongue depressors I could understand, because you can build things out of them. Maybe he has overactive cerumen glands. Cuddy just takes one look at House's BAD LEG and snaps that he really couldn't "run" home, could he? "...Niiiice," House says, then proceeds to exact his revenge by limping over to the waiting room and giving the following speech to its occupants, which you really have to watch to get the full awesomeness of but I'll try my best to capture it in a transcription: "Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me 'Greg(g).' I'm one of three doctors staffing the clinic this morning." Cuddy, her "what the fuck is he doing now?!" face in full effect, tries to cut the intros short, but House will not be stopped: "This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a BOARD...certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it?" And here he looks back at Cuddy, who doesn't answer because she's too busy organizing the files so that House gets all the really nasty cases. "But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any [well, unless you're one of the many patients House tosses a few pills to]. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell [here he makes a crazy man face]. So, who wants me?" There are no volunteers. "And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?" That would be everyone. House says he'll be hanging out in exam room one if anyone changes his mind, and limps off. Cuddy steps up and calls for Jodi Matthews. A meek-looking woman stands up. Cuddy instructs her to go to Exam Room 1. The expression on Jodi's face upon hearing this news is priceless.

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