Occam's Razor

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | 14 USERS: A+
The Simplest Explanation...

House asks Foreman whether the white blood cell count was high. Foreman says it wasn't. House holds out a hand to collect the proceeds of his fifty-dollar wager, but Foreman isn't finished yet: Brandon's white blood cell count is actually really low, and still dropping. His immune system is shot. House and Foreman were both wrong. I'm sure they'll donate the betting pool to a deserving charity.

Brandon has to go to a "clean room," because when you don't have an immune system, anything could kill you. I'm sad to report the clean room doesn't look anything like John Travolta's awesome set-up in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Brandon and Chase step into a disinfectant vacuum tunnel thing, Chase wearing heavy-duty anti-germ-spreading-gear and Brandon wearing nothing. He is given the choice of covering his bits to prevent embarrassment or covering his ears to prevent deafness. Disinfectant vacuums are loud. Outside, Cameron and Foreman tell Mindy and the Branrents about Brandon's new germ-free lifestyle. "If he gets a cold, he'll die," Foreman says. Even if he goes to a doctor who isn't House.

The next time we see Brandon, Foreman is removing some of his bone marrow for a biopsy. Foreman has these reassuring words to say before inserting the needle: "This is gonna hurt. A lot." I see he's been studying the Dr. House Bedside Manner Manual. Brandon clutches his pillow as he gasps and groans in pain. I'm pretty sure they just re-used his sex noises here.

House reprimands Cuddy for not answering his page. He has every right to request a consult. Sure, the patient ended up having a pulled leg muscle after a six-mile run, but leg pain is a symptoms of quite a few serious conditions. The patient could have died, House says. Or, worse, gotten a limp and a Vicodin addiction. Cuddy says that House's little plan to get out of clinic duty by calling her in for a consult for every single patient he sees will not work. And, in fact, this little "game" they're playing to make each other miserable is fun for her. Especially because she's going to win. "I got a head start," she says. "You are already miserable." And you, Cuddy, are awesome. Well, as awesome as someone who makes fun of cripples can be, anyway.

Cuddy leaves her office and runs into Wilson. She brushes him aside when he tries to ask her a question. Wilson is curious as to the origin of Cuddy's brisk manner and bad mood until he sees House exit her office. Trying to conceal his jealousy with a boyish smirk, Wilson asks House if he has a "thing" for Cuddy. House says that the "thin line" between love and hate is more like a Great Wall of China with armed guards posted every twenty feet. That's the only manmade structure that can be seen from outer space between love and hate. House hobbles over to the pharmacy and orders up some Vicodin. He's not allowed to prescribe his own medication, though, so Wilson puts his name on it. Enabler! "You will lie, cheat, and steal to get what you want," Wilson tells him. What the hell is House doing working in a clinic, then? He should go on Survivor and make some real money. There is a precedent of people with physical handicaps and cranky bastards doing quite well there. House grabs the wrong bottle of pills of the pharmacists' counter. Wilson alerts him to that, and gives him a last-minute tutoring session on the Importance of Kissing Your Boss's Ass To Get What You Want. And then House has an idea. He asks Wilson what Brandon's first symptom was. It was that darn cough.

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