Runny Penis gets a lecture from House about the importance of watching Dawson's Creek in order to learn about safe sex. The guy doesn't actually have an STD, but if he thought he did, then he must have had what House calls "S.W.S. -- Sex While Stupid." This from a guy who uses prostitutes. Even with a condom, you aren't exactly decreasing your STD-catching odds there. House rubs his forehead and starts telling the older lady to watch Dawson's Creek, even getting in a dig when she claims to be sixty but he says he's sure she's older. He really seems to hate that woman.

Finally, House lectures the younger woman. Unlike the other two, she actually does have an STD. She bursts into tears, and House really wishes Cameron weren't off with that dying guy so that she could come in here and give the girl a prescription for hugs. But she can't, so House tells the girl to cheer up: chlamydia is easily cured. He hands her some pills for it, and suddenly she bats his hand away and screams at him not to touch her. "Oh, God," House groans. I'm trying to figure out why House's handing pills to the girl with even touching her elicited a response like that when whatever crotch-wiping he had to do earlier apparently didn't faze her at all. Weird. House goes to Cuddy and says that he needs someone to take his patient. She starts to protest until he finishes, with much drama, by saying that the girl was raped. And Cuddy has to admit that while it's okay for House to learn humanity with toe-to-nostril fungal infections, he should probably sit the rape stuff out.

So after the commercial, Cuddy meets with the rape lady, who won't get a real name in this episode although she's credited as "Eve" so I guess I'll call her that. I was thinking of calling her "Shitter" since I still have that in my clipboard, but then I decided that probably wasn't very sensitive. Eve says that she'd rather stick with House as her doctor. Cuddy tries to convince her otherwise, but Eve just gets all angry-looking and asks Cuddy if she knows what she's dealing with. Oh, don't even play that card, Little Missy. Cuddy says she doesn't, even though I think House was close enough to rape Cuddy a little when he was standing behind her before. Cuddy extols the benefits of PPTH's psychiatrist, saying that she would be better at handling this than House, since it's only been "less than a week" since Eve was raped, and House is the first person she told about it. Well, that is one fast-acting STD she got. This might not be the right time to tell Eve that she should really come back for an STD re-test after a few months have passed and anything that was introduced to her system has had time to settle in. She may have tested negative for HIV and herpes now, but that doesn't mean they aren't there! She might also want to get an actual rape kit done as opposed to just a vaginal swab. When I worked at that hospital, we'd get the occasional rape victim panel, and there would be a swab from every orifice. Just awful. Anyway, Eve demands to have House as her doctor.