House serves time in the Clinic, where he has the grave misfortune of being stuck with a rape victim. Meanwhile, Cameron gets stuck with a friend- and family-less man dying of cancer. The question now is, what will happen first: House offending the rape victim to an extreme that even loyal viewers wouldn't have thought possible, or Cameron marrying her patient? Amazingly, neither event occurs, as the woman takes a liking to House and insists that he be at her beck-and-call for annoying pseudo-philosophical religious discussion and personal revelations, and the guy dies a bachelor. But wait, there's more! It turns out that the rape victim is pregnant and insists on keeping her baby, much to House's annoyance. He takes her for a walk in the park and they talk about God and I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that House's opinions about the existence of God are almost identical to mine. House tells his patient that his father was mean to him when he was a kid, and she opens up about her rape and decides to abort the baby. And if all of that wasn't happy enough for you, some guy has a cockroach stuck in his ear. The fact that that such a thing can and does happen to people is proof enough that there is no God as far as I'm concerned. I'm not sure how I felt about this episode yet, but it showed a side of House that I think we all needed to see, and for that alone, I'm happy. Too bad they had to leave Foreman and Chase off in plotless land to do it.
After yet another long three-week wait, we're back! House strolls into Cuddy's office and cheerfully asks her what she wants. She asks him how many cases he has right now. He stupidly answers "three." House, you never have three cases. Even in "Three Stories," you really only had two cases, since the third one was you. And those two didn't even happen at the same time. So Cuddy doesn't believe him, and assigns him to non-stop Clinic duty for the next two days, saying that she would've only given him one if he hadn't lied to her. "That's dishonest! I refuse to participate in this --" House starts to high-horse, but Cuddy high-horses him right back by reminding him that he owes her big-time: "I kept you out of jail. I can put you back." Except that she can't unless she wants to go to jail, too. But House leaves to do his Clinic duty, calling Cuddy a "perjurer" over his shoulder as he leaves. "Felon!" she snaps back. Meanwhile, Cuddy's really getting into her new perjurer ways by wearing a business suit with the kind of cut that fellow perjurer Li'l Kim would go for. Every shirt you own doesn't have to be a dramatic V-neck, Cuddy. It's called a scoop neck. Look into it.
House's first patient is a guy who told the nurse he had a runny nose, but who actually has a runny penis. He thinks he has an STD. You know, if you aren't mature enough to tell a female medical professional (yes, I'm assuming the nurse is female. We've never seen a male nurse on this show. Hell, we really haven't seen any female doctors, when you think about it) that you might have an STD, then you aren't mature enough to engage in the type of activities that could give you an STD. House's second patient is a young woman who also thinks she has an STD. And his third patient is an older lady who just says "I think I have a..." and points downward. You know, to her lady bits. We cut to an awesome shot of House looking disturbed and upset as he takes one, two, and then three rubber gloves from the dispenser. I guess she's what you might call a "triple bagger."
Despite House's earlier safety over-precautions, he handles the resulting STD swab with his bare hands. The swab isn't even in a biohazard bag or anything. I can't wait until next season, when an overzealous OSHA inspector shows up and immediately decides that he hates House and Will Stop At Nothing to get him fired. I think that's when this show will finally get the villain arc right. House goes to the lobby and yells at any patients who are there for a runny nose that they just have a cold and should go home. A few people leave. Dude, what kind of asshole goes to a free clinic for a runny nose? You deserve to catch the flu for wasting everyone's time with that. House tells everyone remaining that they'll be seeing a different doctor because he's sick of "wiping crotches." No one seems too upset about this. Except Cuddy who, upon seeing House heading for the patient waiting area, ran right out of her office to yell at House that he is going to do his Clinic duty whether he (and the patients) like it or not.