One Day, One Room

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C+ | 1 USERS: A
One Day, One Womb

House has gotten around Cuddy's rules by making patients touch themselves. Some guy puts a tongue depressor on his tongue and says "ah." A woman touches her rash and reports that it feels "rough." A guy takes his heart rate, and the number he comes up with makes him either about to die or bad at math. They wait a bit, and since the guy doesn't die, House concludes that he sucks at math; he writes the patient a prescription for StickyBear Math Town. House comes outside and triumphantly tells Cuddy that she owes him thirty dollars. Then he walks into an exam room and sees that his patient is the Designated Hot Girl who wears a vampy dress to the free clinic for reasons unknown. At this, House closes the door, doing a great look into the camera as he does so.

Cut to House coming up behind Cuddy and saying that he owes her ten dollars. Judging by the expression on her face when House pretty much walks into her ass, I'm sure Cuddy has a feeling why. Cuddy hands House the STD test results on his pre-credits patients, and says that she won't pay him for those ones because he already touched them. She says this in a really flirty way, apparently hoping to cash in on House's current amorous mood.

Runny Penis gets a lecture from House about the importance of watching Dawson's Creek in order to learn about safe sex. The guy doesn't actually have an STD, but if he thought he did, then he must have had what House calls "S.W.S. -- Sex While Stupid." This from a guy who uses prostitutes. Even with a condom, you aren't exactly decreasing your STD-catching odds there. House rubs his forehead and starts telling the older lady to watch Dawson's Creek, even getting in a dig when she claims to be sixty but he says he's sure she's older. He really seems to hate that woman.

Finally, House lectures the younger woman. Unlike the other two, she actually does have an STD. She bursts into tears, and House really wishes Cameron weren't off with that dying guy so that she could come in here and give the girl a prescription for hugs. But she can't, so House tells the girl to cheer up: chlamydia is easily cured. He hands her some pills for it, and suddenly she bats his hand away and screams at him not to touch her. "Oh, God," House groans. I'm trying to figure out why House's handing pills to the girl with even touching her elicited a response like that when whatever crotch-wiping he had to do earlier apparently didn't faze her at all. Weird. House goes to Cuddy and says that he needs someone to take his patient. She starts to protest until he finishes, with much drama, by saying that the girl was raped. And Cuddy has to admit that while it's okay for House to learn humanity with toe-to-nostril fungal infections, he should probably sit the rape stuff out.

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