House
One Day, One Room

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C+ | 1 USERS: A
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One Day, One Womb

Anyway, speaking of victims, Cameron's with her patient. He won't get a name either, so I'll call him "Mr. B-Plot." Mr. B-Plot isn't too pleased to see "all this medicine" around him when he just wanted a place to spend the night. You know what? Die right now, Mr. B-Plot. Just die. The last thing I want to see is Cameron dealing with a dying man, so I certainly have no fucking patience for a guy who goes to a hospital to score a bed and then is angry when they try to actually treat him. You want a bed with no medicine? GO TO A SHELTER. Mr. B-Plot wonders what they're treating him for, since he's dying. How about that case of hookworm he probably picked up on the streets? Cameron says that they can at least make him "more comfortable," and I'm sure that nasal cannula is really comfortable, not to mention to constant beeping of the heart monitor preventing him from getting any sleep. Mr. B-Plot says that he doesn't want to be comfortable when he dies because he messed up his life. Interesting that his desire to be uncomfortable didn't extend to sleeping outside in the cold. Actually, no, I'm sorry. That's not interesting at all.

And some guy came to the PPTH Free Clinic with a case of the freaking hiccups. House says that they'll go away on their own, but the guy says he actually read about an experimental new treatment...

Outside, House tells a nurse to make a note in that patient's file that he has "drug-seeking behavior." Cuddy, who's always around, hears this and asks if the guy wanted morphine, in which case he's out of luck because I'm sure Cameron's hoarding it all to give to Mr. B-Plot whether he likes it or not. House says that the guy wanted "anal digital stimulation." Wow. That guy was cute enough, I'm sure he could have found someone to do that for him without having to wait at the Free Clinic and fake hiccups to get it. Talk about doing things the hard way. House notices that Eve is still talking to psychiatrist Dr. Stone, and asks Cuddy how long it's been. Cuddy gets all hopeful that he's actually concerned about a patient, but he assures her that's not the case. While she's lecturing him, he notices that one of the Clinic patients he paid to leave came right on back when House wasn't looking! Ha! Let's all hope, for his sake, that the TB Grandpa did this as well. The patient is a child, and he's being wheeled into surgery. His doctor, Dr. Moron, says that the kid swallowed a magnet that's interfering with scans to figure out where the magnet is, so they'll just have to cut it out. House insults the kid for being way too old to eat magnets, and then shows them a very clever way to see if the kid passed the magnet through his stomach and therefore out of danger: House holds a scalpel next to the kid's belly, at which point his dumb-ass father says "you're gonna cut him open? Right here?" and yet makes absolutely no move to stop him. If I thought someone was about to slice my kid's stomach open, I'd, like, do something, but then again, my kids won't be eating magnets either. House isn't going to cut the kid open, of course: he hovers the scalpel over the kid's intestinal area until it's attracted to the magnet. This tells them where the magnet is: it's in the kid's intestines, and not his stomach, so he won't need surgery after all. Good call, Dr. Moron! Don't hospitals do a little something I like to call "endoscopies," where they can actually put a camera into the kid's stomach and look for the magnet, thereby ascertaining its location without having to do invasive surgery? Anyway, House demands his fifty bucks back...

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