House

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Open and Shut
you don't talk to her about me (yeah, I'm so sure Taub wants to talk to the hot young blonde nurse about his wife. Keep dreaming, Mrs. Taub), and I don't want to meet her ever in any context," she says. Oh my god, Mrs. Taub, you are so lame. Divorce his ass! And then hook up with Tom. He seems like your type. Taub's like, " ... are you giving me permission to sleep with other women?" trying not to look too thrilled at the idea just in case it's a trap. Mrs. Taub says that's obviously what Taub wants and apparently his desires are much more important than hers because she's a doormat. "I want you," Taub says. "You want more than me," Mrs. Taub replies; "you want that thrill." Yeah, the thrill that Taub can't really get now that he's allowed to do it. Also, didn't Taub leave the plastic surgery practice a second time to work for House because he thought that would give him enough of a thrill that he wouldn't have to cheat on his wife? What the hell? "I love you, and I really believe that you love me. And we have a good life together. And at this point, either I walk away or I try to accept who you really are," Mrs. Taub says. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you WALK AWAY. Taub just points out that tomorrow is Thursday, which is now his favorite day of the week. "Yes it is," Mrs. Taub says. Oh! Survivor is on, then. Date established, the scene ends.

The next day (THURSDAY), Hadley informs the group that all blood tests for clotting disorders came back negative. House thinks about that for three seconds before noticing that Taub is wearing cologne today but "not the stink of shame." Thus, "Taub's wife gave the green light for an open marriage." Hadley looks kind of happy for Taub about all of this. Does she want to sleep with Taub or something? Taub admits that he does indeed have Mrs. Taub's blessing to date Maya. Hadley looks proud. Chase is in awe. "Mazel tov?" Foreman says, then goes back to being entirely disinterested in everything going on around him. Hadley doesn't think it's a big deal, though, since Taub was going to sleep with another woman whether Mrs. Taub agreed to it or not. House, meanwhile, realizes that Mrs. Taub is now in an open marriage and thus available for sleeping with. Clearly, hooking up with Mrs. Taub was part of House's evil plan all along. But then the Cottages are paged to yet another emergency in Julia's room. Julia is having abdominal pain again, but this time it's even worse than before.

Outside her room, House asks the Cottages what brought back Julia's abdominal pain. Taub says the ultrasound showed nothing. Foreman asks if Taub is going to shower at Maya's place after he has sex with her or back in the home he shares with Mrs. Taub. I don't know if he's actually curious or just being judgmental. Probably both. Taub thinks they should focus on their patient and her excruciating and mysterious pain, but House points out that Taub is probably less concerned with Julia and more concerned with wrapping up for the day as early as possible so he'll have more time with Maya. Chase suggests that "sexual excitement" could be triggering Julia's pain. "Because lying alone in a hospital bed contemplating bankruptcy? Hot," Hadley sums up perfectly. Chase says he was trying to say there's something wrong with Julia's parasympathetic nervous system, but House shoots that down. Taub points out that Julia's abdominal pain stopped when House gave her that fun barium enema. Whatever that means, it's urgent.

As Taub and Chase wheel Julia in to surgery, Chase explains that "part of [her] intestine folded in on itself." Say what? I was better off before I knew that could happen to you. It's cutting off blood flow to the rest of her intestines, so they must fix it before they die. Julia hopes that'll be the end of her problems, but Taub informs her that this is usually a sign of cancer. Bummer.

Cuddy enters her office to find House already there, fixing her an espresso with the espresso machine he bought for Cuddy and installed in her office. "I have a bad feeling about this," she Don Knotts. And yet, she's happy to accept the espresso he made for her as she asks what he did to bring this about. House says he actually didn't do anything this time, but he's realized that when you "genuinely" try to help someone, good things happen for you in return. Like how he "genuinely" tried to help Wilson and then his relationship with Sam ended. "Is he okay?" Cuddy asks, making her the first person to care about Wilson's feelings in all of this. House ignores her and says now that karma works, he's hoping that buying Cuddy an espresso machine will lead to Lucas dying or just some oral sex. Cuddy seems charmed by the fact that House just wished death upon her serious boyfriend.

Chase and Taub work on Julia's insides. Taub wonders if he should wear a tie on his date, like Chase, who is generally a terrible dresser and recently divorced, is really the person to ask. Chase asks Taub if Mrs. Taub has a date tonight, too, but in veiled terms so that the random PPTH employees nearby won't know what they're talking about. Taub says Mrs. Taub is allowed to "eat dinner out," but he doesn't think she will. "Your wife only eats dinner at home?" the random PPTH OR nurse asks, like this is any of her business. Guess what, lady? You aren't young and blonde, so butt out. Taub says that if Mrs. Taub did go out to eat, he wouldn't like it, but he thinks he could handle it. "I'd rather be jealous than a liar," he believes. I hope Mrs. Taub hooks up with Chase, Foreman, House, and Cuddy. All at the same time. And in front of Taub.

Chase and Taub inform House that they didn't find cancerous tumors in Julia's intestines, but they did find "non-specific inflammation." Also, her kidneys are starting to fail. House says inflammatory bowel disease explains the inflammation and can cause ankylosing spondylitis, which explains everything else. He tells them to treat Julia for it, and wishes Taub well on his hot date tonight. Taub smiles because he's totally looking forward to this, but then he gets a text on his phone.

Yes, it's Mrs. Taub, who meets him in the Fox lot parking garage to say she can't go through with this. Oh, bummer, Taub. "Logically, it makes perfect sense," she says (by the way, it doesn't); "but all afternoon all I kept thinking about was the two of you together, and you touching her." And Mrs. Taub is all crying and sad like this is somehow her fault. Taub tells her nothing happened (yet) and it's okay. Even though he is clearly bitterly disappointed. Possibly feeling guilty about the fact that his wife is crying and apologizing to him for not being cool with him cheating on her, Taub says it's okay and the only thing he needs is her. He manages to convince her that's the truth, and possibly also himself. He decides to leave work with Mrs. Taub and leave Julia's case to everyone else. Which is nice and all, but did he also just stand up Maya? That's kind of douchey.

House's theory was wrong and the treatment didn't work. Julia is worse, and a biopsy of her kidneys showed IgA nephropathy, which is caused by like 1,000 different diseases, all of which Chase gets to write on the Whiteboard O'Useless. Taub says Julia is running out of time. House then wastes some of it by asking why Taub doesn't have that post-extramarital relations afterglow. Taub admits that he went home with Mrs. Taub instead of Maya, and Hadley is very disappointed. "You chickened out," she says. Does Hadley hate Mrs. Taub or something? Maybe she just hates happiness, what with her setting Wilson and Taub up for relationship failure. Taub says he couldn't hurt his wife, which confuses everyone, who was under the assumption that Taub didn't really give a shit about his wife's feelings. Chase decides to get back to the patient, and the Cottages try to pick the most likely diagnoses from the long list of possibilities. They come up with three, none of which Julia is going to end up with anyway based on the lack of Epiphany Face.

Hadley and Taub treat Julia, and Hadley suggests that Julia call her husband in because her situation

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House

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