House

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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Open and Shut
is kind of grave right now. Julia whines that she's still too angry at Tom and his lies to see him. "Don't you think that's kind of unfair?" Hadley asks, then launches into a philosophical discussion about how sometimes honesty isn't the best policy when those truths are hurtful. "Tom lied to protect you," Hadley says. But she's not talking about the money stuff, like Julia thinks. No, Hadley says, Tom lied to her about something else: he hasn't slept with another woman in over a year. Great. Now Julia can be twice as angry with him. Hadley tries to put a positive spin on it, saying that Tom only wants Julia and lied to make her happy. I think it's more like he lied because he felt bad about that money stuff, as House suggested, but whatever. None of this is very realistic and I can't identify with any of these people right now.

Sam stops by Wilson's office. Her blazer and her shirt are the same color. I don't like that. She apologizes, saying that he was right about her -- she used to be selfish. She's trying to change, and Wilson has changed as well. He says she's right -- he used to keep quiet about stuff that annoyed him because he thought that was the best way to keep the peace, but all he really did was secretly resent her for things she had no idea she was doing wrong. Ew, I hate people like that. Probably because I have a history of unknowingly and unintentionally offending them and having no idea until it all blows up and our friendship is over. Sam and Wilson hug, and Sam says she wishes they had been able to do this "ten years ago." Say what? No way in hell were they married just ten years ago. Wilson was on his third wife when this show began six years ago. Quit playing around with time like you're still on Lost, Watros. Even though they just figured out that honesty is important and necessary, they both decide not to tell House that he had something to do with their improved relationship, which is back on.

Tom is at Julia's bedside. Evelyn is not. Maybe she has an open relationship with her parents and is hanging out with another couple and letting them read her bedtime stories and bake her cookies while her real parents are too busy with their problems to give her everything she needs. None of the latest treatments worked for Julia, so they still don't know what ails her. House takes a second to note that Tom brought a bouquet of lilacs to his wife's bedside. Hadley somehow knows that they're from his garden, which causes House to think about how his mother also used to grow lilacs in her garden, but stopped because they attracted lots of bees and R. Lee Ermey apparently hates the gentle and hardworking honeybee because he was always a jerk. Here comes Epiphany Face! House says they ruled out something called Henoch-Schönlein purpura because there was no respiratory infection that causes it. But apparently bee stings can also, in rare cases, cause HSP. Hadley's not so sure, saying there should also be a rash. House and the Cottages enter Julia's room to check for one, since apparently no one bothered to look at Julia's body before this moment. She admits that she was stung by a bee a month ago, and House starts looking around for the rash while explaining that Julia has HSP, which is also called "systemic vasculitis." Hooray for vasculitis! It causes lesions and inflammation all over the body, which explains all of Julia's symptoms. A quick external exam of Julia reveals no rash, so House says it's time to "check [her] holes." Cut to Tom not looking all that bothered about this, because, you know, he's okay with other men touching his wife. Julia opens her mouth to reveal a rash on the roof of her mouth. House is disappointed that this means he won't get to check her sexier parts, or as he refers to it "get kinky." Do you guys remember when he found a tick inside an underaged girl's vagina? Do you think he thought of that as being "kinky" then? Yuck. Now that they know what's wrong with Julia, they can treat it and she'll be just fine. Julia is so relieved that she tells her husband she loves him. 90% of the time. House can't leave things that happy, so he reminds them that Julia sleeps with other men and Tom sucks with money on his way out. Let us also mention that Julia can't get stung by a bee without almost dying. Wimp.

House's night ends on a sad note when he returns home to find Wilson and Sam there and together again. They're drinking wine and playing cards like the boring middle-aged people they are. House tells them that he'll take all the credit for this as he heads for the fridge and places the milk in the door shelf, just to be a dick. I hope Wilson uses his newfound backbone to tell him off next. But he won't.

Did Maya get fired or something? Why is she putting a huge box full of stuff in her car trunk? And, of course, Taub just happens to be heading for his car at the same time. He helps Maya with her box and apologizes for canceling their date, forgetting to mention that he did that because his wife had a problem with it. Maya says she's sorry too, because apparently her self-esteem is even lower than Mrs. Taub's so she's all about hooking up with the married guy who's like twice her age, balding, and shorter than she is. I know he's a doctor, Maya, but come on. They make out and then go off together, because Taub figures this way he can have everything he wants and Mrs. Taub won't cry about it because she won't know and also he'd probably get more out of cheating when it's forbidden anyway.

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House

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