House

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Sara M: C | 1 USERS: A+
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A Load Of Bull

Lane wonders why he's being subjected to a second balance test. Taub says Lane is far too athletic for a test for normal people, even with the injuries he sustained in his bull accident. Lane objects to the term "accident," saying the bull did it on purpose, but that's okay because both the bull and Lane were just doing their jobs. Taub wonders if perhaps Lane hasn't considered trying a different job, one that doesn't break all of his bones. Lane says he loves what he does, so it's worth the pain. Martha blushes. I'm sure this will work out well. With that, Lane is given a pair of fancy-looking glasses and balances on one foot on PPTH's fancy little electronic balance board thing, staying upright despite the extreme movements under him. "He's amazing," Martha gushes. After a few seconds of that, Taub says Lane's balance is clearly not affected, so they can move on to the next diagnosis. The Cottages huddle up and talk, deciding there must be something wrong with Lane's brain but having no idea how to prove that without being able to scan it. Lane pipes up to add that they might want to fix the hospital's rusty pipes while they're at it, as the cup of water they gave him is brown. Foreman says the pipes are fine; Lane's mouth is bleeding.

House lies in bed naked and zoning out. His phone rings, and Hooker #2 hands it to him. It's the Cottages, and House criticizes them for taking so long to get back to him with the test results. Foreman gets all defensive, saying it takes time to think of and put together a brand new diagnostic test. If that's the case, then I really want to know where they found that balance board thing, and what it does if it wasn't designed for that test. He adds that Lane passed the test but now has bloody sputum. Chase interrupts him to say that he thinks Lane has a tumor in his salivary gland and they should do a biopsy. House figures out that Chase and Foreman are embroiled in a stupid power struggle. Foreman says someone has to step up and be in charge, while Taub suggests that House get over himself and come into work and do his job, which sounds good to me, only for House to accuse Taub of being jealous that no one cared when his marriage ended, including Taub. Taub angrily denies this, but House just interrupts him to tell Chase to stop messing with Foreman (Chase giggles) and Foreman to stop thinking he's in charge when House is just a phone call away. He tells Foreman to put a scope in Lane's GI tract to look for bleeds and biopsy his salivary gland. Martha just wants to know if they should be worried about House and if maybe he should refrain from doing any doctor work until he's not on Vicodin. The male Cottages just shake their heads in embarrassment for Martha and/or fear about how House will respond to this. In the end, House just assures Martha that he is not on Vicodin, which he says while in the process of taking another Vicodin. He hangs up on them to play with his hooker.

Taub and Martha run a scope through Lane's GI tract. Martha is worried about House and his ability to be a good doctor while high, but Taub says there's no reason to step in unless House's judgment seems to be impaired. Right now, though, he's coming up with good ideas that his Cottages hadn't thought of, so Taub says they should just shut up and do whatever House tells them to. Taub then goes from being totally unconcerned with House's personal issues to very interested in Martha's, asking her why she has a crush on Lane. Martha awkwardly denies it, calling him a "macho half-wit." Taub agrees, saying that makes Martha's interest in him all the more puzzling. Martha doesn't have to answer, though, as she notices that Lane's eyeballs are yellow.

Foreman gives House an update on Lane's condition. It's hard to hear, as Hooker #3 is loudly playing a hurdy-gurdy. House is very proud of himself (or really, I suspect, Carnell) for being able to find a hooker who can play such a random and difficult instrument. He says if he (well, Carnell) can do that, then Foreman can stop complaining about how the metal rods in Lane's body make it tough to tell on the X-ray whether or not he has a mass in his liver. While sitting with his feet spread much further apart than I'd like considering that he's wearing a bathrobe and seemingly nothing else, he suggests that the Cottages cut Lane open and take a look at his liver with their own eyes. He then hangs up on them so he can ask Hooker #3 if she knows "Free Bird." She doesn't say whether she does or not, as she has a non-speaking part.

Chase and Taub take a look inside Lane, but there is no mass on his liver, despite what Taub thinks he saw on the X-rays.

The Cottages decide that House needs to see this in person, so they bring themselves and Lane's X-rays -- the earlier one showing the possible mass and a later one showing that it's gone -- to House's hotel room. In bed, House takes a look while Hooker #4 waits patiently with her ridiculous 60s hairstyle. Martha asks him how many prostitutes he's been with since his hotel stay began. "All but one. She did my taxes," House says. Why would Martha want to know that anyway? Or think House would answer her question honestly? Come on. House comes up with a diagnosis that hadn't occurred to the Cottages: intermittently swollen lymph nodes. He and Hooker #4 high-five each other in celebration while Martha frets over how if House is right, then Lane must have an infection and testing for that would mean doing a spinal tap, which is not a good idea when he's still recovering from his skull fracture. Chase says they could stick a needle in Lane's brain instead, and House says that sounds fine to him. It doesn't to Martha, who says that's just as, if not more, dangerous than the spinal tap. House gets rid of her by saying he just wants the Cottages to leave because "stuff is going on" underneath the sheet. Hooker #4 grins proudly. Martha spins around and looks out the window, scandalized.

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