House

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Sara M: C | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
A Load Of Bull

Lane might be an idiot, but he's smart enough to wonder why his doctors want to drill through his skull to look for a mass that isn't there. Taub says there was so a mass, and since it's now gone, they need to drill into Lane's skull to find it. Martha, meanwhile, takes this opportunity to awkwardly ask about Lane's relationship status, like if he has a wife or a girlfriend he'd like them to call to be here with him. Lane says his family is in Oklahoma and thus can't, apparently, be reached by phone, while his rodeo friends have already moved on to the next location. He doesn't say he has a girlfriend, which Martha takes to mean there isn't one, and she says "aw, that's too bad" very cheerfully while placing her hand on Lane's pillow in an attempt to flirt.

In the OR, Martha is allowed to have anything to do with this surgery despite the fact that she's just a med student as Taub prepares to drill. He takes a second to make fun of her for liking Lane, and again says he really wants to know what attracts her to him. Why does he care? Martha says she doesn't know. Taub starts to drill, but then Lane goes into respiratory distress. Unable to get a breathing tube down Lane's throat, Taub does a quick and successful tracheotomy. Lane's life saved, all the OR nurse can do is comment that someone totally farted. She who smelt it, dealt it, OR nurse. Martha checks to see if Lane crapped himself in all the near-death excitement, only to find that Lane's feet are the source of the bad smell. Supposedly, it's a terrible smell, but no one noticed it until just now, so I don't get it.

Carnell stops by House's room to see what's going on. House is practicing his archery skills, and dares Carnell to put an apple on his head and let House shoot at him. Carnell says no way, but Hooker #5 is down for it. She stands in front of the door with the apple on her head, and Carnell says this doesn't seem like a good idea. House says if anything bad happens, he's a doctor so he'll able to fix it. Hooker #5 will have to wait, though, as the Cottages call House to ask what Lane's nasty feet are about. House rattles off a few suggestions that Taub says don't explain Lane's other symptoms, and then all the Cottages are distracted by Carnell's frantic shouts of "no!" and "you're gonna kill her!" as House draws his bow. He suddenly lowers it when he thinks of another diagnosis of a fungal infection, which explains the feet, bleeding, and disappearing masses. The Cottages agree, but say it'll be difficult to prove the diagnosis since Lane's body is full of those unscannable metal plates. They figure the best place to start looking is Lane's heart, and that if they inject ice water into Lane's chest cavity, it could give them enough time to get a scan of the area before the metal rod holding his ribs together becomes too hot for Lane to bear. House doesn't really care what they do, as he is focused on shooting the apple above Hooker #5's head. Carnell begs him to stop, but House takes aim and fires. His shot is a little low. Hooker #5 groans and clutches her bloody, arrow-filled chest. Carnell screams. "Oops," House says. He quickly hangs up on the Cottages, who pretty much expect this from House and so aren't particularly concerned. Carnell tends to Hooker #5, who is now dead on the floor, and tells House to call an ambulance. House asks why, since Hooker #5 is perfectly healthy. Sure enough, she laughs and sits up, and she and House show a very relieved Carnell House's trick arrow. I guess House is still tipping generously, as Carnell cheerfully calls him an ass and leaves to fetch the Colt .45 House requests for his next trick. He runs into Wilson on the way out. Wilson tells Carnell not to get House a gun, as if Carnell has any loyalty to Wilson, the guy who isn't tipping him.

Martha and Taub explain to Lane that he needs an MRI (OF DOOOM!!) but the metal rod in his ribcage is going to make it even more DOOOM!!ful than ever as the magnets in the machine will heat the metal, making it very hot very quickly. To counteract this, Martha stammers out that they are injecting ice water into Lane's abdominal cavity to try to delay the heating process, so Lane will go from feeling colder than he's ever felt to feeling hotter than he's ever felt in, like, 30 seconds. Also, Martha enjoys lingering glances at Lane's chest, riddled as it is with surgical scars. With that, she slides Lane into the MRI (OF DOOOM!!) tube and tells Taub to shut up before he can make fun of her again.

The two settle in the booth, and Taub still wants to talk to Martha about her crush. "It's interesting," he claims. "No, it's not," Martha speaks the truth. It really isn't at all interesting. Martha has decided that Lane, a "blessed specimen," would create healthy offspring with Martha, and therefore evolution wants her to have sex with him. "My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot," she says. It's her prefrontal cortex that is crushing on Lane. Taub says the fact that her rational brain appears to be losing that argument is what interests him. I think Martha's rational brain is falling for that charming smile Lane keeps flashing at Martha. Who could resist?

Bummer time for House! Wilson dragged him down to the hotel bar to lecture him about his current behavior and how he's not dealing properly with losing Cuddy. Wilson says House is pretending to murder hookers with fake arrows because he's bored, and that always leads to stupider and more disastrous things for House. Actually, I think the really stupid person in all of this is Hooker #5, who trusted her client who she knows nothing about other than he'll pay for sex to shoot her with a fake arrow. I know she's supposed to be a high-class escort, but still, you'd think she'd have some street smarts. This is no way to avoid those hooker-killing serial killers we're always hearing about. Wilson offers to let House move back in with him for a while. House says Wilson seems to think he's the only person who can help House out when he's feeling bad, and what an ego Wilson must have. True, but I think Wilson might also be offering to let House stay with him because, you know, House basically forced his way into Wilson's home to live with him the last time he was bummed out. The only thing House really wants this time, he says, is for Wilson to stop talking to him about this. Wilson says he hasn't even started talking about this. Oh, god, please no. I just don't want to hear it again. I can't imagine how sick House must be of this. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" House begs. Wilson refuses. He insists that they will talk about this and deal with it Wilson's way, not House's. House points out that he has legs, so he doesn't really have to be here. Well, he doesn't really have a leg, either. But I guess what he does have is good enough to let him walk away.

I don't understand how they could put Lane in the MRI (OF DOOOM!!) and only one rod in his ribcage would be affected and not, like, all the other metal in his skeleton, especially when one time they stuck LL Cool J in the MRI (OF DOOOM!!) and it ripped all the metal from his prison tattoo out of his skin. The ice water seems to have worn off and Lane is feeling the heat. Even so, Taub asks him to try to keep still. Lane says he is trying. Taub says Lane is tough, and his prefrontal cortex is starting to have feelings for him. Martha snaps at him to shut up, and comments that Lane is too hot too soon for them to be able to get a scan. She wants to stop the scanner now, but Taub says she's trying to protect Lane instead of diagnose him. Martha points out that there is now smoke coming out of Lane's ribs (I wonder if it smells like barbecue?) and there's no point in diagnosing Lane if he has no ribcage. Taub gets the image at that point, and Martha runs out to greet Lane with a bunch of ice packs. After all that, Taub says the scans show that Lane's heart is normal and fungus infection-free.

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