House
Painless

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Everybody Hurts

House limps into Jeff's room, where Hadley and Kumar are getting ready to take Jeff away for his angioplasty. Zach is excited that his father's pain will finally be gone, and House chooses this moment to say that the angioplasty will be totally ineffective, but the pain will go away. He tells the Cottages to cancel the angiogram and finds the source of Jeff's air flow problems -- he blew into his own IV tube, which caused his cardiac arrest and the stuff they found on the MRI. Yes, Jeff tried to kill himself again, as House feels the need to spell out in front of Zach. Come on, House. Just because you have daddy issues doesn't mean everyone has to have them. Jeff admits that he was lying when he said he would never try to kill himself again. "I want to die," he says; "please just let me die." "No," House says. Maybe House doesn't want Jeff to die, but PPTH doesn't seem to bothered about it, judging by how poorly they supervised the suicidal guy.

House and the Cottages have taken their act on the road to Cuddy's nursery, where she's proving that she knows how to change a diaper while everyone looks around awkwardly. Cuddy's annoyed to hear that a suicidal patient wasn't properly supervised and able to attempt it again. House gets too close to Cuddy, who gets a whiff of him and makes a grossed out face before asking him when the last time he took a shower was. Geez, it's only been, like, a day since the pipe burst. House must have some body order to be ripe already. "Scent of a man!" he says, adding that she wouldn't recognize it since she's always drunk when she's exposed to male scents. Not in front of the baby, House. Cuddy says Jeff is depressed and has depression pain and that she has a DYFS inspection coming up so she'd appreciate it if they would all leave. Yeah, because those foster children agencies are so good at making sure the homes they put their kids in are safe, loving, and secure. I wouldn't sweat it too much, Cuddy. Meanwhile, Hadley comes up with a diagnosis of non-motor seizures, pointing out that she's actually thinking about the patient, unlike her boss and her boss's boss. House says the EEG results say no to this, as they're cleaner than "Cuddy's rubber nipples." At this, Cuddy and House exchange a look that was ridiculously rehearsed and held too long. Foreman goes with a glycogen storage disease, and House proclaims that together, "Foreteen" have come up with a good diagnosis. Hadley smiles at this, because she loves portmanteaus. She loves Brangelina and Bennifer and TomKat and all of them! And now she's got one, too! It's so awesome we can all totally overlook the lack of chemistry. Kumar smiles, too, because he's totally figured out what's going on at this point. His smile does not last long, as Cuddy shoves a dirty diaper in his hand to throw away on his way out of her house. That's really fucking rude, Cuddy. And gross. I hope you get turned down by the DYFS just for that. House sticks up for Kumar, saying that if she wants a man to take her crap, she has to marry him. "Or employ him," Cuddy says. Really? Because I tend to doubt that taking out the Dean of Medicine's foster kid's diapers was part of Kumar's job description. When everyone leaves, Cuddy takes a second to hold her baby, which is the fakest baby doll I have ever seen on TV since the last time they had a baby on this show. They've been setting Cuddy up to get a baby for like three seasons now! Surely they had time to get a better doll than that. They should have gone to one of those people who make realistic dolls I saw on the BBC America documentary My Fake Baby. Those breathe and everything!

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House

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