House
Paternity

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Re: Lax

We join a lacrosse game, already in progress. I don't know anything about the sport, so I have nothing to say here except that I'm pretty sure players aren't supposed to see double like one young man is doing. Indeed, we zoom in on his eye and then through it to his brain and what appears to be a CGI neuron, which shorts out just in time for the kid to get knocked on his ass by an opposing player. He falls to the ground and his helmet flies off. His parents, all concerned, look on as their son bleeds and continues to have trouble seeing. "Get a doctor!" shouts the coach.

But first, we must watch the new, post-pilot extended opening credits, which are awesome and the Massive Attack song is great, but I don't really like the Law & Order-style cast walk they've got going on at the end.

House sucks. Literally -- he's sucking on a lollipop and catching up on the latest fake gossip rag when Wilson enters. House tells him to shut the door and be quiet because he's hiding in an exam room to avoid seeing any patients in the five minutes between now and the end of his mandatory clinic time. He pops a few pills as Wilson tells him that if he wants to get out of clinic duty so bad, he should just tell Cuddy that he has an urgent case. House says that would be LYING, and as we all know, House is perfect and never, ever lies. Wilson says House can just bend the meaning of "urgent" to fit his needs. House says he can, but that he can't bend the meaning of "cases" -- either you have them or you don't. And House doesn't have any right now. Wilson is absolutely appalled that House would let his highly trained, hot, young staff sit around and do nothing. House says that's not entirely accurate -- Cameron is answering House's mail, and Foreman and Chase are doing "research."

We cut to our little Cottages, bored out of their minds. Chase's medical research consists of doing a crossword puzzle. Foreman's consists of helping him with the particularly difficult clues.

House tries to leave the clinic, but is stopped by our lacrosse player and his parents. They claim to have an appointment with him, which House finds hard to believe since this is a walk-in clinic. Dad says House made the appointment by mail, and shows him a letter from a "Gregg House, MD" to prove it.

Back in the office, House asks Cameron when his signature got "so girly." The "G," especially, looks like it was written by a "junior high school girl." Oh, please. I paused the tape, and it's a perfectly normal-looking, unisex G. It's not like it has hearts flying around it or anything like that, although I wouldn't blame Cameron for putting a few there out of spite while she was stuck answering mail instead of being a doctor. Cameron apologizes, explaining that the family has been trying to get in touch with House for a long time now, so she decided to answer them. House says that if people want his attention, they should try wearing low-rider jeans. I'm assuming he means females. Or Wilson. Whatever.

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