House
Paternity

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Sara M: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Re: Lax

House walks in on Foreman and Cameron doing some more sleep brain wave test stuff on Dan, who can be seen sleeping in the next room on a monitor. House asks if they can switch the monitors to General Hospital. They cannot. House notices that Cameron isn't doing anything but waiting for lab results to come back, so he gives her a special assignment: she is to run a DNA test on two Styrofoam cups marked "Mommy" and "Daddy???" Cameron is appalled, but goes with it. Someone should do some lumbar punctures on her to make sure she actually has a spine.

House limps along the hallway and meets up with our Sue-Happy patient, who has some papers for him. House was expecting this, and grabs the papers before telling the patient that he has gonorrhea. Guy says that House is lying. House says that false positives do happen, and that the guy can have his doctor run a second test. D'oh! The guy sued all the other doctors in New Jersey. House says that gonorrhea is considered a "public health issue" that must be reported to the state, who will be sure to call the guy's wife and let her know what she's being exposed to. The guy tries to grab his papers back from House, apparently thinking better of the lawsuit. "Unh unh!" says House, whisking his hand away and hopping into an elevator. "These are mine now. I'll see you in court." He grins smugly at the patient as the elevator doors close.

The Cottages run all manner of lab tests to see if they can figure out what exactly is wrong with Dan. I guess they're not totally in support of House's guess-and-check-whoops!-we-made-it-worse methods. Cameron suddenly exclaims that, according to the DNA tests, House wins their little bet. Chase notes that Dan's mother isn't his biological mother, either.

The parents are talking to Cuddy about getting their son the hell out of the hospital and to another one with doctors who aren't assholes who freely order lumbar punctures. Good luck with that. House enters, sees them, and promptly calls them both idiots. Lying idiots. Adopted Dad says that might be true, but that House accused them of molesting their son. "Perfect," says Cuddy, since no other words are needed, really. House requests that the focus be taken off him and put back onto Dan's adoptive parents, who never told anyone -- including Dan -- about Dan's true genetic makeup, because they love Dan and they are his parents and that is all that matters. House says that when you're dealing with medical stuff, it isn't. Cuddy asks House exactly how he found out about all of this, and he has to admit that he totally stole their coffee cups. "You...can't do that!" says Cuddy, so shocked that she can't even think of a witty retort. House says that the issue at hand right now is Dan's family medical history, and how it's totally useless now. The parents say that the medical history they gave was everything they knew about Dan's biological mother, who gave him up when he was two weeks old. Cuddy says that seems perfectly reasonable to her. House asks if the biomom was vaccinated as a child. They say Dan was when he was six months old. They don't know about his biomom, though.

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