House
Paternity

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Re: Lax

I'm happy to report that we're done with spine injections for now, as Foreman tells Chase about Dan's and his father's identical flecks, which make it very likely that they're related and that Foreman will win his bet. Chase says that's not enough evidence to get a payoff from House. Foreman wonders how they can get the conclusive proof that will win him a hundred bucks. Chase suggests getting the whole fam tested for Huntington's Disease, which is not funny, even though both Chase and Foreman laugh at the prospect of informing an entire family that they could all be dying of a horrible degenerative brain disorder. House limps in and Foreman informs him that the cisternogram indeed found "a lot" of blockage in poor Dan's brain. Chase says he's scheduled a surgery to put a shunt into a ventricle, and then everything will be fine. "He's lucky to have you as his doctors," says House. I guess he's making fun of them, although I'm not sure exactly how.

House's devious plan to avoid clinic duty seems to have failed him this time around, as he is now seeing a woman and her baby. The woman proudly says she gives her daughter breast milk only -- no formula. "Yummy," says House. Mom -- whose thin braids and thick choker clearly establish her as "earthy" -- says that her daughter woke up with a swollen face. House determines that the kid's temperature and glands are normal, and then asks why the vaccinations are missing from her daughter's records. "We're not vaccinating," says Mom. Uh oh. House counts to ten in his head, and then asks Mother Earth why she refuses to protect her child against potentially deadly diseases. Mother Earth says she thinks vaccinations are drug company plot to make more money, and aren't really necessary. ["I don't know why they didn't have her object on the grounds of the suggested link between vaccinations and autism, except to make her look like an uninformed crackpot instead of a regular old negligent boob." -- Wing Chun] "Hmm," says House. Oh, man. If you thought what he said to that asthma mom in the last episode was bad, this is going to kick its ass. House lures Mother Earth into a false sense of security by taking the baby's little stuffed animal frog and saying "ribbit" while dangling it in the kid's face. The baby laughs. Any time someone makes a baby laugh, it's really adorable and cute, even if it is Crankypants House and he's just doing it to set Mother Earth up. He observes that the frog is an "all-natural" toy, made without using dyes. He wonders aloud if toy companies mark their prices up and lie about their research costs when it comes to their all-natural toy lines. It's a really good business, House says. Oh, pish posh. There's no need to spend all that money on all-natural toys. Just do what my mother did: my one-year-old brother was inconsolable after losing his stuffed elephant, "Lovey," so, being as artistic as she was desperate, she fashioned a replacement Lovey out of old pantyhose that slightly resembled the original Lovey's shape. My brother didn't know the difference for years. Kids don't need expensive toys until they enter school and have to compete with their friends. Until then, they're perfectly happy with large cardboard boxes and lumpy bundles of pantyhose.

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House

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