House's latest Clinic patient is complaining of feeling "good." Really good. She's eighty-two, and suddenly, she's noticing colors and hearing music like she's never noticed or heard before. Plus, she's horny. For men with cute butts...and sexy beards. The man who once asked a nun if she had the hots for him is a little put off by the amorous attentions of a senior citizen, and is a little relieved when she starts talking about Ashton Kutcher, who she saw when her son rented her the wrong video, and whom she hasn't stopped thinking about since. The son, who stands in the corner scoffing at the whole thing, does not immediately leave the room when his mother starts talking about her constant fantasy life, like the rest of us probably would. And really, if you're an eighty-two-year-old woman, Ashton Kutcher really makes sense as an attainable fantasy. We all know how he likes the older ladies. Grandma adds that House looks lot like Ashton: they have the same "bedroom eyes." And now, she'd like to remove her shirt so that House can give her a more thorough examination. House quickly says that is not necessary, but that he will have her admitted to the hospital and order some tests. The son doesn't understand why his flaky old mom's silliness requires an admission to the hospital. House explains that when elderly people have sudden personality changes, it's usually not a good sign. The son, on the other hand, could use a personality change, since he is, as House says, "insufferable."
The A-patient gets some medicine that will clear up the organophosphate poisoning they believe he has. Except that we're still about forty minutes from the end of the episode, so we know that what it will really do is make him worse. Mom complains that her son does not seem to be improving with the medicine, and Chase says it usually takes a little time, but that the bloodwork was conclusive, and there's no need to doubt that Matt was poisoned by a pesticide. Monitors start beeping as Matt's heart rate (I think that's what the number on the monitor thing is) drops. Chase whips out the external pacemaker pad things, which will make Matt's heart beat for him.
After the commercial, Chase tells Mom they're going to keep Matt on the pacemaker pads for another hour and "see what happens." Mom's not too thrilled with this policy.
Back at the office, House and the Cottages try to figure this whole mess out. Cameron wonders if they were wrong about the organophosphate poisoning theory, but Foreman says he ran the tests twice and got the same results. So Cameron suggests giving Matt a stronger medication, earning her a sarcastic smackdown from House, who lives by the theory that there's no need to take a weaker drug when there's a stronger one available. Why take an Advil when you've got an unlimited supply of Vicodin? Foreman says that Columbia has actually been developing drugs for the Army that target the specific poisoning the patient has, and therefore are more effective. So if they find out what exactly Matt was exposed to, they can give him the Army drugs and he'll get better. Chase wants to know what the success rate of this still-experimental drug is, and House responds that he's sure it's very high, because this is the U.S. Army: "Be all you can be." Welcome to the new century, House! The new motto is "an Army of one," which House would probably adopt as his personal mantra if he knew about it. Chase says that the chances of Matt's surviving with the drugs they have available to them are "minimal at best," and House accuses him of having a "stiff-upper-lip-British" way of saying the kid is dead meat. "I'm Australian," Chase says. House says that as long as they put the Queen on their money, it's the same thing. Canadians put the Queen on their money, too, but the only people they ever get confused with are Minnesotans. ["Hey! ...Fine, that is true." -- Wing Chun]