House
Poison

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Oedipus Complex

Welcome to the new century! A girl gets busted for cheating on her AP Calculus test via text messages on her cell phone. After getting the answers from her way-too-punked-out-to-be-in-AP-Calculus friend, she stupidly slams her cell phone shut loudly enough that her stereotypically Puritan-outfit-and-glasses-wearing teacher hears it all the way in the front of the room. The teacher marches over to the cheater and demands her cell phone, while a kid in the next row starts fidgeting and interrupts to ask to go to the bathroom, or as he calls it, the "bunkroom." Teach says he can in nineteen minutes, when the test is over. "Can't do it!" the kid gasps. I'll bet he'd be embarrassed if he wasn't so about to die. Now everyone in his class will think he has diarrhea and his crush will never agree to go to the prom with him! Teach is still in full-on cheater-catching mode, and asks if the kid has someone with the test answers waiting for him in the bathroom, like he'd wait until nineteen minutes before the test ended to do that. Eventually, Teach agrees to let him use the bathroom as long as he's accompanied by an escort. The kid starts seeing and hearing things, meaning either he's got to go really bad, or he is, as the Cheater Girl says, "really sick." At that point, the kid staggers forward and collapses on the floor. Cheater Girl rushes to his side as Teach yells at her students to keep their eyes on their own work and not on the kid whose eyes are now rolling into the back of his head. Fortunately, Cheater Girl did not use the cell-phone text-messages route when taking her first aid tests, and orders Teach to stop worrying about the AP test and start calling for an ambulance.

For a change, it's Foreman and not Cameron giving House the stats on the latest strange case in the ER. For not a change, House gives his Cottage a hard time about why such a seemingly routine and boring case would be brought to his fleeting attention. He tells Foreman if he cares about the kid so much, he can buy him a card in the gift shop -- preferably one with a good fart joke in it. Boys love fart jokes. They also love, according to House's instadiagnosis, using drugs, which is most likely what's wrong with the kid in the ER. Foreman says that the tox screen was negative, and that he doesn't care about the kid; his interest is purely work-related. I don't know why House is so hung up on whether Foreman has feelings for the kid or his mother, but he takes the case.

We go to the Whiteboard of Symptoms, which has become a Transparent Pane of Symptoms, thereby allowing the camera to do some cool rack focuses between the writing on it and the Cottages. Differential Diagnosis Time! House wants to know how a tox screen would turn up negative when the patient is obviously on drugs, which we know because House said so. Maybe the lab screwed up. Maybe the kid took something that the tox screen doesn't test for, like copy machine toner, which has apparently replaced glue as the legal way kids get high these day. Welcome to the new century. House assigns Foreman to go to the kid's house to find his "stash," figuring Foreman would know all the best hiding places. Foreman protests that he's never even taken drugs. You'd think a current drug addict would be better suited to this task, but I guess if the kid's house has stairs, House is pretty much taken out of the running, so to speak. Cameron is sent to make sure Foreman doesn't dip into any of the kid's battery acid or whatever else it is teens like to do these days.

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House

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