House
Poison

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
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Oedipus Complex

House finds Cameron and Foreman in the lab, testing the tomato sauce. "I'm extremely disappointed in you," he says: he sent them out to discover some kick-ass new drugs and they came back with tomato sauce. Foreman takes a minute to look at House's gym shoes, and sure enough, they are identical to Foreman's. As nothing escapes House's watchful eye, he mutters that he got his online, and probably paid half as much for them as Foreman did. I'm surprised he didn't ask Foreman if his street gang lifted them off some white private-school kid at knifepoint. Cameron says botulism, as well as the thousands of other bacteria the tomato sauce could contain, explains all of Matt's symptoms. House grabs a tongue depressor and uses it to sample some of the sauce, hoping for some acute mental confusion. Cameron sputters. Foreman says he expected House to make some "subtle" display of how they're wrong. House says that, indeed, Matt just had a seizure, which rules out both the contaminated food and the drug overdose theory. They're now thinking he was poisoned, and the nurses have been assigned to skin-washing duties.

Cut to Matt getting scrubbed down by no fewer than three lovely nurses! He's going to so mad that he was too unconscious to remember it.

House's latest Clinic patient is complaining of feeling "good." Really good. She's eighty-two, and suddenly, she's noticing colors and hearing music like she's never noticed or heard before. Plus, she's horny. For men with cute butts...and sexy beards. The man who once asked a nun if she had the hots for him is a little put off by the amorous attentions of a senior citizen, and is a little relieved when she starts talking about Ashton Kutcher, who she saw when her son rented her the wrong video, and whom she hasn't stopped thinking about since. The son, who stands in the corner scoffing at the whole thing, does not immediately leave the room when his mother starts talking about her constant fantasy life, like the rest of us probably would. And really, if you're an eighty-two-year-old woman, Ashton Kutcher really makes sense as an attainable fantasy. We all know how he likes the older ladies. Grandma adds that House looks lot like Ashton: they have the same "bedroom eyes." And now, she'd like to remove her shirt so that House can give her a more thorough examination. House quickly says that is not necessary, but that he will have her admitted to the hospital and order some tests. The son doesn't understand why his flaky old mom's silliness requires an admission to the hospital. House explains that when elderly people have sudden personality changes, it's usually not a good sign. The son, on the other hand, could use a personality change, since he is, as House says, "insufferable."

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