House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Blogs and Logs

Meanwhile, Taub and Foreman check on Frankie, who is typing away on her laptop in the hospital room. A friend is sitting nearby, and Taub is surprised that he has a patient who actually gets visitors. Although it's not like anyone else from Frankie's life, like, say, her parents or siblings, will be stopping by. As it turns out, the friend is reading Frankie's latest blog entry on her own laptop even though she's sitting right next to Frankie's bed. Because internet people are weird and incapable of real relationships, y'all! I know when my friends come over, our time together is spent reading my recaps. Frankie's friend immediately recognizes Foreman based on what she's read about him on Frankie's blog, where she apparently implied that he was condescending. Foreman bristles at this, like he doesn't know that he sounds condescending all the time. Frankie gets up to go to the bathroom at this point, which is never a good sign for someone on this show. Either you're going to pee soundlessly, or blood will soon be pouring out of your ass. Frankie gets off easy, however, as she just ends up with a toilet full of "mud-colored" pee. That's bad news for Frankie's kidneys, and it rules out their rat poison toxicity diagnosis.

House spends five seconds trying to come up with a new diagnosis for Frankie until Wilson walks past the office. He runs out to announce to Wilson (and everyone else in the hallway) that he can't find any of his porn films. Wilson says he returned them to the store, which is what House deserves for leaving his porno all over the place. When pressed, Wilson admits that since there was a chance he might bring a woman home from the speed dating session last night, he wanted the place to be "a porn-free zone." And apparently, the idea of simply putting the porn away where they wouldn't be seen did not occur to him. Because I guess Wilson was never a 15-year-old boy. House says his porn-free morning was "ruined," like, who has time in the morning before work for a masturbation ritual? Don't men usually take care of that while they're in the shower, thus killing two birds with one stone? Three if you brush your teeth at the same time. House returns to the meeting room in time to agree with diagnosis of Haff disease. "Haff disease" is pronounced "Hoff" but spelled "Haff," thus ruining all of the awesome David Hasselhoff jokes I set up before I did a spellcheck. House sends the Cottages out to treat Frankie accordingly.

Later that day, Wilson stops by House's office, only to find him hunched over his laptop. He guesses that House is reading his patient's blog, but that would require House to be at all interested in his patient or her life, and he is not. Wilson, apparently, did some reading instead, although my guess is he was probably a regular reader of Frankie's blog before she got sick. He just seems like the type. House turns the subject to movies, specifically his pornos that Wilson returned. He went back to the store to re-rent them, only to find that Wilson returned just two of the three movies, claiming the third was lost. Wilson tries to stammer an excuse, but House just continues that he then went out in search of another copy of the movie at a different store. And he was successful. "You have it here?!" Wilson asks, panicking. House answers by turning the volume of his laptop on, and your standard wacka-chicka-wah-wah porno music flows from the speakers. Wilson runs to House's side of the desk and watches as the movie title, Feral Pleasures, pops up and then cuts to a scene where a group of humans with antlers and forest-people-type clothes on dance around a fire. One of them turns around in a close-up and IT'S WILSON! Wilson groans and tries to explain himself. "That's not me. It's not -- mostly not me." Let's cut back to the embarrassment and watch as Wilson acts his little heart out and pretends to be a naïve forest creature. Wilson says he did this for a college friend who was minoring in film as Antlers Wilson pokes his head out from behind a tree and spots a fully human woman sleeping in the forest. Wilson says he didn't think anyone would ever see this, but then his friend turned into a real director (of porn) and decided to add some new scenes to his old student film footage and release it as a porno. Suddenly, Wilson and the woman are played by two different actors and shot on digital video instead of what was most likely 16mm film. At least, that's what I shot my student films on. And I shoot my pornos on digital video. Not-Wilson tells his fair maiden to "be not afraid. The forest nymphs have taught me how to please a woman." House doesn't care if the porno scenes are acted by Wilson or some guy who just looks a little bit like him -- this is still awesome. Oh, and then the porn starts happening, as we can hear from the laptop speakers, so Wilson leaves, ordering House not to tell anyone else about this. Yeah, like that'll work. "From this moment on, my lips are sealed," House says.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next

House

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP