A man weighing over six hundred pounds comes to PPTH in a coma. Fatty-hater Chase doesn't see the point in treating the guy, but Everybody-lover Cameron comes to his defense and insists on getting him an MRI even though he exceeds the weight limit. Fat Guy George emerges from his coma mid-MRI and promptly freaks out and destroys the place. At this point, Chase says they should just a wait-and-see approach with George because he wants all fat people to die, and House tells him to go ahead and do nothing. So, hilariously, Chase leaves and isn't seen again for the rest of the episode. George demands to leave PPTH, saying he's more afraid of hospital-related infections and injuries than he is of whatever put him in the coma. Cameron basically slips him a mickey (!) to keep him there, earning her a one-way trip through one of PPTH's many windows. Sadly, she lands on top of George and not vice-versa, which would have been so amazing. George goes blind and refuses to let them test him for any obesity-related conditions, insisting that his condition isn't related to the fact that he weighs six hundred pounds, and in the end, he's right: he actually has terminal lung cancer. You win, George. But really, who cares about the patient when we've got House's legal problems to deal with? After being arrested last week, his apartment is searched and a butt-load of pills is found. Also found are forged prescriptions from Wilson's pad, putting Wilson in the position of having to lie for House, which should get both of them in lots of trouble.
First things first: shout-out to Skip Mueller, who brought Garrett Lerner and me together for the interview a few weeks back. Many, many thanks, Skip! And now, the recap.
Two firemen are going about their business with one telling the other a complicated story involving a Green Beret, a Navy SEAL, and some girl from Brooklyn who have to kill their spouses for some strange purely hypothetical military operation. Suddenly, a piece of wall comes flying down next to them, thanks to their co-workers, who are as bored of this story as I am. We go inside the newly fourth wall-less apartment to find a six-hundred pound man dead in his bed and a team of firemen trying to figure out how to get him out of there. They make several jokes about the guy's weight and try to lift him, only to hear an incredibly loud fart. Is this a cartoon? My third grade class? The firemen play the blame game for a while (although no one goes so far as to say "whoever smelt it, dealt it") until they realize that the farter wasn't one of them, but the man they thought was dead. Our storyteller informs us that you need sphincter-muscle control in order to fart, so the man must be alive. The head fireman checks for a pulse and finds it. The fat guy is alive, although he'll probably die of embarrassment when he founds out about all this.
After the credits, the Cottages are going about their morning breakfast routines, while Cuddy gives them the lowdown on their newest patient: he's six hundred pounds and in a coma. The only thing that appears to be wrong with him is that he's tremendously fat. Chase, who hates fat people, assumes that they're looking at a diabetic with "blood thicker than pancake batter," but Cuddy says that is not the case. She would also like to know why House hasn't come to work yet.
It's because House' still in jail. His cellmate sings an annoying repetitive song, and House picks himself up off the floor, clutching his belt-less pants to keep them up (sorry, ladies!), and calls out to the jail guard to let him out already. Detective Asshole -- I mean "Tritter" -- walks in and smirks at House. House says that he can either arraign him or let him go. "Which do you prefer?" Tritter asks. I'm assuming he would prefer to be let go, but I'll leave the crack detective work to the "professional."
Cut to Wilson waiting outside the "Princeton Plainsboro Municipal Building." House comes outside and immediately puts a hand out for a bottle of pills. Wilson gives it to him and apologizes for taking a while to come up with the bail money and asks what the hell happened to House. House says that a cop had a grudge and trumped up a traffic stop, which is pretty much the truth. He doesn't plan to tell Cuddy about this and is assuming it's over now that Tritter has gotten his petty revenge. Wilson thinks House should get a lawyer.