Que Será Será

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C+ | Grade It Now!
Vogler II: Electric Vog-a-loo

House's four hundred dollar butt plug is his new lawyer, Dwayne Wayne from A Different World! He runs through the list of charges House is facing and tells him to take this seriously. House says that this is all because Shitter has a problem with him and is insane, but Dwayne Wayne chooses to ignore this for whatever reason (I would have been all over this case if I was House's lawyer, filing false arrests lawsuits by the dozen) and says that House won't do well in front of a jury so he should agree to a plea bargain. House won't do it because he hasn't done anything wrong except for the speeding. Dwayne Wayne says he costs four hundred and fifty dollars an hour with a five thousand dollar retainer and then another thirty thousand dollars due if they go to trial. Damn. I hope the Princeton Plainsboro police department will pay House's court costs if he's found not guilty.

House returns to the office. Cameron says that she looked up butt plug in a legal dictionary and found it stood for "lawyer." Well, that and the mini-camera she planted on House so she'd see his every movement. She asks how the meeting went. House says everything will be fine. Foreman says his MS test came back negative while Cameron's glucose test came back in her face every time she tried to administer it.

House rolls his eyes so hard he almost gives himself nystagmus and marches off to George's room. He informs George that he's eating himself "half to death." This is followed by several fat jokes as House tries to force George to drink the sugar water. George insists that he isn't diabetic, but House just asks if grocery stores give away free medical degrees along with those free turkeys. Oh, it's not that simple. You have to buy one turkey first to get the free one. House starts assaulting George with the sugar water bottle, so George calls for help from his nurse. Evil Nurse Brenda rushes in, ready to attack. "What the hell is going on?!" she demands, putting a hand on the gun she keeps concealed in the small of her back. But House suddenly stops the assault and stares at George's fingers. He grabs his cane and walks out of the room. The Cottages follow. Evil Nurse Brenda is stuck cleaning sugar water off of a six hundred pound man.

In the hall, House orders the Cottages to perform various tests on George to find lung cancer. Since it's not connected to obesity, George should agree to their tests. Why lung cancer? Well, when George grabbed House's hand, he felt his bony fingers. Clubbed fingers are a sign of lung cancer, among various other nasty diseases. Small cell lung cancer isn't really one of them, according to this, but who cares?

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