Hello. I am covering for Sara M. while she is off doing a differential diagnosis of some lasagna or something. And ennui go: The patient du jour is a crime scene cleaner upper complete with blood puddle and general grossery. Then the guy puts on a suit to meet his wife who thinks he is still in real estate. To celebrate they eat still-moving octopus and then nature wreaks its revenge and he almost dies. Is it the chemicals from his job, illicit Vicodin prescriptions, Boric acid exposure? Duh, no, because those were the first diagnoses. New differential please?
A lumbar puncture is both diagnostic and punitive because the patient is mostly suffering from pants-on-fire-ism. While they are testing for meningitis his feet turn blue. This new symptom allows them to cross meningitis off the list and start testing for a new disease. They restore circulation to his feet just in time for the hallucinations and the accidental domestic violence to start up. Dr. Amber Tamblyn guilts the guy into telling his wife the truth that he lost everything in the economy, including his job, and maxed out the credit cards. She leaves him just as his fever returns and his hearing disappears. To the MRI! And a seizure, kidney failure, a coma, and a death sentence. House sends Dr. Amber to get consent for a Hail Mary round of chemo. During his wife's tearful goodbye, she admits she's pregnant. The team holds one last differential and House finally stares into the middle distance and figures it out. Unfortunately it is too late. The guy is dead. And another single mother is born.
Meanwhile, Cuddy wants House to go to a charity gala because she is getting an award. He agrees, but no one believes him. Typical shenanigans ensue (contrarian bets, Wilson subterfuge, cash money offers) while House pretends he's just being a nice guy supporting his * gag * girlfriend. Then House tries to prove his goodwill by hiring a mariachi band. Wilson thinks it's all a gag to embarrass Cuddy, but she actually wants a mariachi band.
Foreman and Taub are the crankiest roommates this side of Bert and Ernie. Taub wants to be BFFs, but he totally ruins his chances by giving Foreman food poisoning. But the couple that gets the trots together stays together. They make up just in time to all go to the charity event together. Know who's not there? House. He has a sad and just can't go. Wilson tries to talk some sense into him, but House insists on going to talk to Cuddy, because he has realized that when he is in love and happy, he is a worse doctor. But he has come to the conclusion that she's worth it! He chooses her! He loves her! And her vagina. What a lucky, lucky woman.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is increasingly less interested in having House be her personal physician. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Hello and welcome to your recap of House, M.D.. In all my years of writing for Television Without Pity, not once have I covered this show, so I am all kinds of excited to get my grubby little mitts on the delightful Hugh Laurie and the much less delightful Foreman, but I am much less excited to get my hands on the national nightmare that is Huddy. In fact, I think we should lock the two of them in an oversized hamster ball and send them down the front stairs. I've been saving up years of medical puns and House-related witticisms, so let's get started, eh? (No, I'm not Canadian, I just talk like one.)
You know how at the beginning of every episode of House, M.D. you wonder which of the people populating the screen is going to drop almost dead of mystery non-Lupus causes? Well in this episode you don't need to wonder, because the person is ALREADY DEAD. There are bloody handprints on the door, splatters and viscera on the walls, and puddles of blood just ruining an otherwise lovely hardwood floor that the realtor is now going to have to try and market to the unwitting new buyers as "patinated".
But we're getting ahead of ourselves because this house is nowhere near market ready. Instead we just have a lowly employee of Sunshine Cleaning swabbing the floor to rid the house of its gruesome... er, indoor pool. (I should definitely go into real estate listing writing.) Hey show: Gross. I mean you expect to see this stuff on a medical show, I guess, but still blood clots on a throw rug are pretty much gnarly.
Just when you think they are going to slap a "24 Hours Earlier" banner up and rewind the day, the cleaner pauses a moment and stretches and we see in his eyes that he is most likely our Patient Du Jour. His phone rings and he goes to answer (removing his revolting gloves, natch) and then proceeds to completely lie to his wife. Seems she thinks he works in some sort of white collar profession with contracts and pens and conference calls, not just puddles of gross and the lonely dead souls who watch him work. Now that we know he is a liar, it is doubly clear that he will be the Patient Du Jour as the lying patient is a leitmotif (I'm undoubtedly misusing the word, but if I didn't clarify that I would probably have sounded smart for a second there) of this show. He hangs up and makes some snarly small talk with the cop who is drinking coffee and watching him work and making sure he doesn't steal anything.
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