House

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Diagnosis: Pants Afire
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Hello and welcome to your recap of House, M.D.. In all my years of writing for Television Without Pity, not once have I covered this show, so I am all kinds of excited to get my grubby little mitts on the delightful Hugh Laurie and the much less delightful Foreman, but I am much less excited to get my hands on the national nightmare that is Huddy. In fact, I think we should lock the two of them in an oversized hamster ball and send them down the front stairs. I've been saving up years of medical puns and House-related witticisms, so let's get started, eh? (No, I'm not Canadian, I just talk like one.)

You know how at the beginning of every episode of House, M.D. you wonder which of the people populating the screen is going to drop almost dead of mystery non-Lupus causes? Well in this episode you don't need to wonder, because the person is ALREADY DEAD. There are bloody handprints on the door, splatters and viscera on the walls, and puddles of blood just ruining an otherwise lovely hardwood floor that the realtor is now going to have to try and market to the unwitting new buyers as "patinated".

But we're getting ahead of ourselves because this house is nowhere near market ready. Instead we just have a lowly employee of Sunshine Cleaning swabbing the floor to rid the house of its gruesome... er, indoor pool. (I should definitely go into real estate listing writing.) Hey show: Gross. I mean you expect to see this stuff on a medical show, I guess, but still blood clots on a throw rug are pretty much gnarly.

Just when you think they are going to slap a "24 Hours Earlier" banner up and rewind the day, the cleaner pauses a moment and stretches and we see in his eyes that he is most likely our Patient Du Jour. His phone rings and he goes to answer (removing his revolting gloves, natch) and then proceeds to completely lie to his wife. Seems she thinks he works in some sort of white collar profession with contracts and pens and conference calls, not just puddles of gross and the lonely dead souls who watch him work. Now that we know he is a liar, it is doubly clear that he will be the Patient Du Jour as the lying patient is a leitmotif (I'm undoubtedly misusing the word, but if I didn't clarify that I would probably have sounded smart for a second there) of this show. He hangs up and makes some snarly small talk with the cop who is drinking coffee and watching him work and making sure he doesn't steal anything.

Then the Patient Du Jour cleans himself up and heads to a swanky sushi place to meet his wife. He's wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase to complete the dirty dirty lie he is living. His oblivious wife has ordered some still writhing octopus arms for the table and while she claims it was a mistake, the guy dives right on in. He spent three hours on his hands and knees cleaning up bodily fluids (not the good kind), three gallons of blood and some grey matter to afford this food, so he certainly isn't going to waste it just because it was recently forcibly evicted from its former place of residence. I would think cleaning up body parts for a living would be a sure fire way to make someone a vegetarian for life. And not one of those candyass vegetarians who eat some fish, but hardcore vegan. On second thought the octopus might be CGI just so the network won't get PETA prank calls and also because filming a guy eating a wriggling octopus arm is probably challenging and may violate some SAG rules of disgustingness. The guy swallows the thing while his wife squeals in disgust (no wonder he lied about his day job) and then he toasts to their three years of marriage and then he collapses. Maybe he's allergic to CGI?

Princeton-Plainsboro hospital is filled with the tap tap tap of Cuddy's heels as she walks rapidly while reading a file, which probably violates some health and safety code. But she's the boss! House sees her and willfully ignores her, because he's a dick and they are annoying together. She suddenly realizes that her boyfriend just walked right by her and didn't say anything so she turns and runs towards the elevator. He doesn't try and hold the door, of course, but lets it close in her face. He is the best, right? She ducks into the next one to follow him upstairs instead of storming off in hatred and unfriending him on Facebook that very second. She gets upstairs and HE IS HIDING FROM HER. I mean, I know he's not mature, but for the love of god. Instead, this reasonably sane, incredibly smart woman stalks him until she has him cornered. She is assuming he is hiding from her because of a charity gala she wants him to attend. He pretends he is not going, and when she gets mad he explains that he RSVPd two days ago HAHAHAHA. She doesn't get it. (Sister, you are not alone.) House laughs that he is not a total ass and claims all the hiding and taunting was simply foreplay. Come bedtime does he suck his thumb and cry? I mean, grow up. And Cuddy! Stop dating that.

In case you forgot, Foreman and Taub are roomies now, but it may not be for long as Taub has gone and done the unthinkable and borrowed a tie without asking. Obviously House thinks this is High Comedy, but Foreman is not amused. But, really, when is Foreman ever amused? House starts the differential by asking his gathered team how someone can have an allergic reaction to something when they test negative for all known allergens. Chase supposes it could be something environmental in his office, which causes the adorable Amber Tamblyn to blurt out that the patient is lying. House looks SO proud when she says that. She explains that the patient's hands are covered in calluses meaning that he works with them a lot and his wife lives in a lalaland of Coach statement bags and once-a-week mani-pedis. House gives her a hug and tells her to go find out what the guy really does for a living. She's a bit apprehensive about confronting a patient about his dirty lies so Chase goes with her.

The guy won't 'fess up to his double life while his wife is in the room, but the guy's wife won't leave until Chase tells her they are going to ask a lot of questions about poop. Nothing like poop to clear a room, I always say. (That's probably why I don't get invited to many parties. Confused emoticon face.) The second the wife is gone, the guy explains that due to the economic downturn and the failing housing market, he lost his entire real estate office. Now he works as a crime scene janitor. Don't get too down, Patient Du Jour! Clearly there is a screenplay in there dying to come out. As the guy lists the types of janitorial jobs he does --crime scenes, septic tanks -- Amber and Chase exchange a Holy Shit! look because it is the Holy Grail of medical revoltingness.

The doctors report to House that it could be bacterial, fungal, or viral. Thanks for narrowing that down, guys! House sends half of them to start testing antibiotics and the other half to the old office where the guy hangs out during the day when he's not scrubbing up human chum. He heads to the cafeteria where he runs into Wilson who does not believe that he is going to the charity gala just to be supportive for Cuddy. House tosses off some nasties about Wilson's failed track record when it comes to relationships and then Wilson stakes a hundred bucks that House won't show. It takes about two seconds for House to deduce that Cuddy put him up to it. Wilson claims Cuddy really wants him to come, but since she is dating a jackass she has to get his best friend to bet him that he won't go. Cuddy's friends must have permanent hand prints on their foreheads from all the face-palming.

Taub and Foreman explore the patient's office and quickly find both an illicit bottle of Vicodin and a closet full of Boric Acid. I have no idea why that would be in an old real estate office, but as I have failed to achieve the American dream of home ow

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House

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