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Diagnosis: Pants Afire
nership, what do I know of the goings on in real estate offices? Back at the hospital Chase and Amber report to the patient that Boric Acid poisoning is a thing and he has it. But as they deliver the diagnosis, his fever spikes and permanent brain damage is nigh. Back to the diagnostic drawing board, methinks.

House surveys the damage that his team did or did not do. Clearly boric acid poisoning was a stupid STUPID! suggestion and Foreman and Taub should commit seppuku. What are some other options? Foreman tentatively mentions the Vicodin. House demands that he hand it over so he can... um, check that it is really Vicodin? The three doctors who lived through The House Addiction Years (soon to be a spin off web series; also available on DVD and Blu Ray, as soon as they straighten out their trademark issues with This Old House) are more than a little skeptical about this. Foreman takes a leap of faith and tosses House the bottle. He takes a pill, smells it, licks it, but doesn't berate it or mock it, so you know this isn't foreplay and then puts the pill back in the bottle and announces that the Vicodin is real. Which is too bad for the patient because they still don't have a diagnosis. I hope House throws away that bottle of Vicodin, not only because of the god awful storyline that would ensue if he started using again, but also because he licked one and ew.

Foreman suggests they start with just the antibiotics and House throws in a lumbar puncture for kicks. Lumbar punctures are great punitive measures against lying liars who lie because you can pretend they are also medically necessary. Dr. Amber has put on her glittery Moral Majority baby tee for the occasion. While she prepares to stab him in the spine with a giant needle, she takes a moment to tsk tsk him and asks him what else he is lying about? Like, nice bedside manner, Dr. Downer. The guy tries to explain that he took the Vicodin because all the manual labor was making him sore and he couldn't explain it to his wife. It's not his fault that the recession robbed him of all his earnings, investments, and credit card balances. It's Obama's fault! Then he asks his doctors if they ever made a relationship mistake that they regretted. Chase nods mournfully. This conversation seems highly unrealistic. I mean am I supposed to be talking to my doctors about my credit card balances and balloon payments? If so, I've been doing it wrong.

House goes to talk to his bestie, Wilson, about how unfair it is that Cuddy only gets a plaque for all her years of hard work. Well, a plaque plus bi-monthly paychecks, benefits, 401K contribution, flex time, and all the office supplies she can take home in her purse. House decides that he is going to make the celebration more fun and exciting so Cuddy will remember the night forever. That sounds promising. Wilson does not approve of this plan, because he is convinced that House is in the Shel Silverstein break the dishes so you don't have to wash them camp and is going to ruin the evening for Cuddy so he will never have to attend another function with her. House is shocked and appalled that Wilson thinks he would do something like that to his beloved girlfriend. Can we call a Code Blue on this storyline already?

Back in the lab, the team are all staring into microscopes and mocking each other. Taub and Foreman bicker about whether they should eat dinner together or whether eating together for every meal crosses the line between roommates to life partners.

Meanwhile Dr. Amber is harassing Chase about his misogyny and how he finds meaning in meaningless relationships. This rant apparently stems from the fact that she is a woman and Chase disagrees with her about how she is constantly berating their patient because he lied to his wife about his job. I guess I am a misogynist too, because I disagree with her need to badger a guy on his almost deathbed. Just when their argument is getting "good" Foreman interrupts with the conclusion that it is not meningococcemia. Interestingly (or not!), my spell check didn't highlight that word as misspelled, but it may have been stunned into silence. Everyone's pagers go off and they rush to the patient's bedside. Before Dr. Amber can even start yelling at him they discover that his feet have turned blue. Have they checked to see if he is fucking Smurfette?

The team gives House their update on the patient, but he is not especially interested. In fact, he would rather know whether they are going to the charity gala. He thinks they should all go and show Cuddy their support. Foreman mouths off about his suspicion that House is going to do something to humiliate Cuddy, but House swears he is serious. Then he tells everyone to be at the gala or work Genital Herpes Awareness Day at the clinic. Are there going to be free samples?

In the locker room, Taub annoys Foreman with his bromantic overtures. Foreman tells him as much, too, but Taub wins the round by mournfully reporting that Rachel is dating her once only online romance. (If there was ever any doubt that Taub was raised by a Jewish mother, let it be forever banished!) Foreman caves under that mountain of guilt and tells Taub that they can get dinner together. Taub clicks his heels together in glee and runs home to cook for his new BFF.

Later they are enjoying a delightfully mannish evening at home, eating dinner in front of the television and playing first person shooter video games, when the cycle of violence comes full circle and the honeymoon period abruptly ends. Foreman is yelling at Taub and the vein in his forehead is bulging. Just when you think Taub should maybe go to a shelter or something, Foreman tips over in agony and announces that Taub poisoned him. Battered Roommate Syndrome! No jury in the world would convict you! Foreman runs for the bathroom as Taub points out that they ate the same food. Then Taub winces and runs and you start to really fervently hope that they live in a two-bed, two-bath apartment.

Speaking of bathrooms, the Patient Du Jour has locked himself in his and no amount of pleading and increasingly frantic knocking by his wife will convince him to open it. Chase and Amber come to her rescue, but the patient will not open the door. His wife reports that he hit her and the team starts knocking louder. Inside the bathroom, the patient is having hallucinations. Which is still not an excuse for domestic violence.

Obviously the patient's psychotic break means it is back to the drawing board for our crack team of medical detectives. Foreman thinks that they caused this new symptom, but he can't get his full opinion out because of the continuing case of the trots. He barrels out of the room with Taub hot on his heels. With half his team in the closest can, House has no choice (except, of course, EVERY OTHER CHOICE IN THE WORLD) but to bring the rest of the team into the commode so they can continue their differential diagnosis. Taub and Foreman are not amused and neither are their stunt butt doubles. Chase and Dr. Amber (who is probably fantasizing about preparing a hostile work environment lawsuit right about now) cover their noses while House forces Taub and Foreman to think and poop simultaneously, which I'm pretty sure is unconstitutional. After a few minutes of uncomfortable (for some more than others) conversation, House orders that the patient and his wife be put on anti-fungal medicine. Also, Foreman hates Taub.

Back at the patient's bedside, Dr. Amber is getting her bitchface on and making the guy feel even worse than a guy on his deathbed already feels by continuing to berate him about lying to his wife about his job. Chase cuts her off and reminds her that the guy's personal life is not medically relevant right now. The guy's wife comes in sporting celebrity sunglasses to cover her shiner. He starts to apologize profusely while Amber makes tsk tsk noises to herself. Chase tells the wife that they are treating him for a systemic fungal infection, but his wife doesn't buy it and starts asking hard to answer questions about why no one else at "the office" has the same infection. Chase tries to shrug it off, but Dr. Amber's death ray glare convinces the patient that he needs to tell his wife The Truth.

In equally annoying but entirely different storylines, Wilson is talking to a patient when the brassy sounds of a mariachi band interrupt his conversation. Obviously it is House

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