Back in the medical mystery side of things, Chase and Dr. Amber (who is dressed like a naughty school girl but with a doctor's coat to ruin the mood) watch their patient tell his wife that he is a lying liar who lies. Oh and also they are broke. Like, really really broke. Strangely the wife is not super thrilled about this or the fact the gawking doctors knew about her completely screwed up life well before she did. She asks them to deliver a message to him since they are on such close terms: She's leaving him. Also, his fever is back, NOT THAT SHE CARES. The doctors go to check on him and find the situation is worse than they suspected: The guy doesn't have insurance either! Also, he's gone deaf. Before or after his wife yelled at him? This new symptom has the doctors stumped. Is his imaginary Vicodin addiction causing hearing loss? No because it never reached oti-toxic levels. (Now kids, remember that word for the SATs, mmmkay?) So what could it be? I know, how about some more tests? As the team breaks from its huddle, Taub tells Foreman he is moving out. Their friendship is too important to him. Foreman shrugs and tells him to make sure he gets his keys back, because he won't be able to ask him that question every day when he sees him at work.
Meanwhile in uninteresting plotlines, Wilson and Cuddy sit down to what I believe is Wilson's second lunch. They have a lot to discuss: will House ruin the gala? Will House not ruin the gala? And then those same two questions a few more times with the words in different order. Wilson scoffs as he pointedly suggests that House could do something so awful as to hire a mariachi band to crash the event. Cuddy laughs that she actually could get behind that evil scheme, because she tried to hire a mariachi band last year, but the board said it was too expensive. Was the theme of the gala "Old Acapulco"? Because that was the theme of my junior high prom. Wilson looks thoughtful as the plot thickens.
Over at ye old MRI machine, Amber writes notes to their newly-deaf patient, including one that pretends that his wife is on her way. Chase chastises her for lying to the patient and that whole pot-kettle-pants-on-fire thing. Amber reminds Chase that she is not actually married to the guy. Speaking of the guy, he is having a seizure. Based on this show, I can only assume that MRIs cause seizures. I mean, right? It's like an Easy Bake oven of symptoms: An ailing patient goes in and two minutes later comes out seizing or heart attacking or brain exploding. The guy is on a ventilator as all the doctors stand around and scratch their heads. His kidneys are now "fried", which I guess is the technical term, and he is in a coma. Note to self: Do not go in MRI machine. He's not viable for a transplant. Whatever is wrong with him now, he wouldn't survive the surgery to fix it... and he only has a few days to live. House stares at the patient for a while and decides that the guy obviously ate a brain tumor for breakfast and they should zap his head with radiation and start him on chemo. It's a Hail Mary pass because they have no idea what's really wrong with the guy, but he is close enough to dying that it really doesn't matter now and they can just throw a plate of medical spaghetti at him to see what sticks. Mmm spaghetti. Someone mentions that they will need the wife's consent for the chemo and House nominates Dr. Amber even though the wife hates her for some reason that is probably related to her husband revealing his double life to her first which CLEARLY means they are also having an illicit affair and he maxed out their credit cards buying her lingerie to wear under her naughty school girl outfit.
Dr. Amber is having a low self esteem moment and no amount of yogurt eating with friends or laughing alone with salad will cheer her up. Know what she needs? Some positive reinforcement from an attractive older male. She explains to Chase that she has a sad, because she gave up friends and a social life for a career because girls with brains can't have friends because all the other less smart women want to talk about is tanning sprays and fat free muffins and then they sing songs into their hairbrushes. She just can't relate and is pretty sure they are intimidated by her Very Big Brain. Women all hate other women! End of story. Amber is also sad because she can't find a date to bring to the charity gala a.k.a. a work party. Chase ignores that part and tells her to be nice to the patient's wife, which he realizes is a challenge what with them both being women and all. Chase recommends that if there is a choice between brutal honesty or offering her a touch of hope, she should choose hope. Now, why couldn't her Very Big Brain tell her that?
Amber goes to talk to the wife. She explains that he is in a coma and might have a brain tumor and he may die, but there is still hope. The woman wants to talk to her husband and while Amber really REALLY wants to tell her that her husband has gone deaf, she doesn't. She's nice like that. The woman goes to sit by her husband's bedside. She apologizes for saying all those awful things to him, she loves him, and didn't mean it when she said she was mad at him for lying to her, going to a fake job every day, taking out a double mortgage on the house, and maxing out all their credit cards and never telling her the truth. She's not mad at him for that at all. Besides, she didn't tell him something important too: She's pregnant! He's going to be a dad! Contrary to what we normally see on television after such a tearful confession/blessed event, he doesn't suddenly blink and smile and wake. Probably because he's deaf. Otherwise that totally would have happened. Dr. Amber almost has an aneurysm watching this woman whisper in the ear of her deaf husband.
House stares at the long list of symptoms plaguing his patient: fever, swollen joints, rash, conjunctivitis, hearing loss, kidney failure. There must be a connection between the reoccurrence of the rash and the rest of the symptoms. What did they do to cause the rash to flare up again? Everyone tosses ideas around into a great big salad of diseases. Then House stares into the middle distance and you know he's got it, by Jove. House blurts, "Caps," which I assume is an acronym for whatever obscure genetic disorder the guy has. Something about cold-induced auto inflammatory syndrome, it's super rare so you probably don't have it. Probably. Foreman points out that it is extraordinarily rare, but House shrugs, because super rare happens on a show that has to come up with new strange diseases every single week. He tells the team to fill the guy up with whatever drug fixes this genetic disorder and the guy will live a long and healthy life lying to his wife and child and digging his way out of debt. Good luck with that! The team heads downstairs to fix the guy up, but... it's too late! The guy is coding and no amount of medical intervention will prevent the slow sad song from swelling up as the doctors struggle to revive him and the wife cries in the corner. I can't believe I got to recap a show where the patient actually dies. Talk about a rare occurrence! Oh, the honor and the privilege. No one is happy except me right now.