House
Safe

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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Sex Kills, Again

A team of medical people wheel Melinda into the elevator, only to find House there blocking their entry. He refuses to leave and Cuddy doesn't have time to call Security, so when Foreman assures her that he can handle House just fine, she lets him take care of it. The elevator doors close, leaving us in an elevator with only three people in it, one of whom is dying and unresponsive, another of whom is an asshole on a mission to find a tick, and the last of which is black. Hey, if House gets to call out Foreman's blackness all the time, then I can, too. Predictably, House immediately shuts off the elevator so that he can look for the tick. Foreman isn't going for it, but his attempt to turn the elevator back on is thwarted when House expertly fends his approach off with his cane. Meanwhile, Melinda's dying even worse than before. Foreman says that they need to take care of Melinda's heart before they can worry about an invisible tick, an approach that worked so well when Foreman tried to do that with Melinda's paralysis and managed not to cure her at all. House says that they have to take care of the underlying cause first, and Foreman finally agrees, injecting Melinda with some atropine that will temporarily keep her heart rhythm up. This gives House three minutes to find the tick.

Melinda's parents, followed by Cuddy and other medical personnel, reach the ICU floor to find that their patient hasn't arrived yet. Cuddy knows exactly what's going on and orders a nurse to call maintenance. If I were Melinda's parents, I think I would have pried the elevator doors open and jumped down the shaft and into the elevator with my daughter in it, so pissed off would I be.

Meanwhile, House and Foreman desperately search Melinda for ticks.

Maintenance has arrived in record time and inform everyone that the elevator stopped because someone inside it made it stop. Which means that PPTH's elevators are working just fine, even if its staff is not.

Melinda's heart rate has dropped into the danger zone. Foreman doesn't want to wait to get her to ICU any longer, and reactivates the elevator. Now that we're at the most suspenseful point, House gets an idea as to where a tick could be hiding on Melinda's body where no one thought to look. "All the other stuff going on down there, she might not've realized," he says, whisking away the sheet over Melinda's lower half and setting up to do a pelvic exam.

And so, when the elevator door finally opens, Cuddy, Wilson, and Melinda's parents see House, the guy who had all those questions for their daughter about edible underwear and massage oils, buried face-deep in her vagina. Dad pauses just long enough before charging House to give him time to find and remove the tick from poor Melinda's vagina. We get to see a nice close-up of the tick, too, in its blood-filled, paralysis-causing glory. I just want to know how, exactly, it got in there. Don't ticks attach themselves to the first piece of skin they encounter? And yet, this guy decided to be all picky and crawled all the way up Melinda's leg and into her vagina before settling down! It's either that or Dan was really confused about how to have sex and had his tick-covered pant leg stuffed up there at one point. He is dumb enough for this to be possible, from what we've seen of him.

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House

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