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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
Sex Kills, Again

Out in the hall, Mom asks Foreman to lie to her daughter instead of giving her hope that she'll go outside soon. Foreman scoffs and tries to launch into a story of how his mother used to be overprotective, but Mom stops him and says that she knows that she's overprotective and she's seen Finding Nemo, although I don't know what that has to do with this situation, since it's not like Nemo had a heart transplant or allergies. Also, he was a fish. Michelle Trachtenberg does kind of have fish lips, but other than that I fail to see the comparison. ["He was also defective, with the one wee fin?" -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Foreman calls Mom "one of the most overprotective parents [he's] ever seen," which is impressive considering the fact that he's only seen her for about three seconds so far. Mom doesn't care what Foreman has to say, and she's got some pretty astounding facts to back her behavior up with: her daughter is severely allergic to a lot of things, for which she was hospitalized three times when she was younger. Six months ago, her parents left her home alone for a weekend for the first time, and Melinda took advantage of the opportunity to go out and immediately eat some peanut-infected chocolate cookies, forget her Epipen at home, try to drive herself to the hospital, pass out on the way there, and get in a car accident in the course of which the steering wheel crushed her chest and destroyed her original heart. My guess is that Melinda wasn't wearing her seat belt at the time because she's a freaking moron. Doesn't the Evil Transplant Committee have rules against giving hearts to stupid people? So Mom may be the most overprotective parent Foreman has ever seen, but she also has one of the dumbest children. I think they balance each other nicely.

Cameron and Chase search Melinda's bedroom. Cameron doesn't think they'll find much there, but Chase notices a window that doesn't have an alarm on it, and a nearby tree with some bark scraped off. Cameron tries to make a funny about how their recent heart transplant-getting patient must have used the tree to escape her room to hang out with Tarzan, like he would be caught dead in a tree in New Jersey unless it was for a WB show. And even then, he wouldn't take his shirt off. Chase suggests that they're looking at evidence that Melinda has had a few arboreal visitors.

It turns out that Chase knows the teenage male mind well, as Dan admits to recently spending the night with Melinda, although he insists that he did everything he could to keep her SAFE (titular line!). Chase mentions that Melinda may have a latex allergy, at which point Dan informs them that no latex was involved in their sex. Way to keep your girlfriend safe by having unsafe sex there, moron. Have fun with the allergy-ridden baby she'll bear you. This doesn't take Dan off the hook yet, though, since it turns out that you can be allergic to semen. Because sex is evil and it will kill you no matter what you do on this show. I'll never understand how House can get away with sleeping with a hooker (maybe), and Cameron and Chase can have weird drug sex, but everyone else on this show is stricken with semen allergies and sleeping sickness and heart gonorrhea when they try to do it. Surely there's some other way for disease to spread than sex, right? Let's see some of that in future shows, please. So Dan will have to provide the doctors with a sample of his goods to test (I'm not sure how this works -- will they rub some of it on Melinda's skin and see if she starts itching or something?). Chase hands him a container, and Cameron instructs him to "aim and shoot." Chase unnecessarily adds that Dan isn't allowed to think about Cameron when he's jacking off.

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