House

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Mirth Day

Taub tells Doug and Franni that they're going to stick a permanent defibrillator in Doug's heart when they aren't shooting him up with drugs to make his cancer worse. The permanent defibrillator means that Doug won't be able to protest like he used to, which Franni doesn't seem to mind. House enters the room and says the defibrillator may be unnecessary after all because Doug has a garden in his backyard. Doug says they live in an apartment, so no garden. House looks a bit deflated, but persists, asking if there's a window box. Nope. Potted plants? Franni speaks up that they'd never have a potted plant because they hate commercial growers. Can't you grow your own plant without having anything to do with a commercial grower? I mean, I can't, but that's only because I absolutely suck at plants. I give them soil and water and sun and they still die. Or they get eaten by stupid ants even though I sprayed them with freaking pesticides that are supposed to kill ants but obviously don't and I am going to be so pissed off if a bunch of stupid little ants kill my orange tree. What the fuck, ants? If you let the tree live, it will make oranges, and one of them will fall on the ground and you can eat that and it will taste so much better than the stupid leaves. Anyway, House is starting to think he might have lost his mojo again when he remembers that Doug is married, and all marriages suck. Franni and Doug immediately claim that their marriage is awesome, so you know that it isn't. House guesses that Franni had enough of Doug, and in a desperate attempt to win her back, he compromised his principles and bought her some evil commercially-grown flowers. "Never!" Franni says. "Once," says Doug. He turns to Franni and says he missed the anniversary dinner she'd planned for months to go to a rally, and she was furious. So he bought her flowers to make up for it. But when he got home, she was gone along with her suitcase and he realized that this would need more than flowers. He threw them away and bought her earrings instead. The flowers were roses, and that's enough for House to diagnose Doug with sporotrichosis, a fungal infection you can apparently get from a rose thorn. Lesions caused the inability to stand and the hiccups; the steroids and growth factor they gave Doug unnecessarily made things worse by spreading it to his bones and heart. Doug will be fine, but House is certain that their marriage is over. Eh, Franni deserves better anyway. Might I suggest Chase? He's on the market, and he deserves better, too. My question is, is sporotrichosis caused by pesticides used by commercial growers, or is it something that naturally occurs, thus proving once again that nature is out to get us and the only answer is to cut it all down?

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House

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