Just when you thought sex was fun and harmless and marriage vows were sacred, House comes along to destroy your illusions! Howard Hesseman -- best known for his roles on WKRP In Cincinnati and Head Of The Class, depending on which decade you were born in -- comes to PPTH after having a seizure that quickly progresses into heart failure, due to eating some unpasteurized cheese, so distracted was he at the sight of his cheatin' ex-wife. His only chance for survival is a new heart, but the evil transplant committee doesn't want to waste one on a guy in his sixties. So House decides to go for the Organ Transplant Bargain Basement and take the heart from the rejected donor list. He finds Laura, who was feeling under the weather before she drove her car off the road. Her sickness was what got her rejected from the list, so House and his team have to cure her before they can give her heart to Mr. Moore. They also need to convince her grieving husband to get over his well-earned hatred of House and agree to give them his wife's heart. One good knee to the balls does it! Eventually, they figure out that the lab's completely useless positive tests results for hepatitis C were wrong and Laura just had gonorrhea, which they all assume she got from cheating on her husband. But, shocker! The husband was the one who cheated, and gave his wife the STD that ended up making her sick and getting her in that deadly car accident. And just when you think the adultery shockers were over with, we find out that Wilson wasn't cheating on his wife after all -- SHE was cheating on HIM! He looks to House for a shoulder to cry on and gets one, albeit it a cold one. And Mr. Moore gets his heart, albeit it a gonorrhea-filled one.
A bunch of old people play cards, as old people are wont to do. Joining them is Keri Lynn Pratt, who I know best as BabyAunt from my 7th Heaven recapping days. This show is smart enough not to cast her young-looking and -sounding self as a teenager's aunt, but as the daughter of one of the card players, who is played by none other than Howard "Dr. Johnny Fever" or "Mr. Moore" (depending on whether you were a fan of WKRP In Cincinnati or Head Of The Class) Hesseman. While some of the ladies at the table try to fix Johnny Fever up with an available lady, his daughter seems to be having a fever of her own; her vision's blurry and ominous sound effects are playing. She excuses herself from the table, saying that she's feeling nauseated, and her dad leads her away. While we're waiting for her to barf bright green or her legs to fall off or whatever other crazy symptom this show likes to start things off with, her father suddenly freezes in mid-sentence. The Magic School Bus Cam zooms into his brain, where various neurons are misfiring. Just when I thought the pre-credits illness sequence had given up on trying to fool me, it does it again, that tricky little devil! Henry's eye bulge as his daughter's whiny voice asks what's wrong and begs him to let go of her arm. The other card players stand up and take notice, which is how you know this situation is dire: it takes a lot to distract an old person from his bridge game. Henry snaps out of it and continues his sentence, unaware that anything happened until he sees the horrified look on his daughter's face. Between her nausea and his brain problems, I think it's safe to say that they won't be winning that bridge tournament tonight.
Foreman does his neurologistly duty and tends to Henry. He explains that Henry had an absence seizure, which means that the Patient Of The Week's Requisite Seizure is already out of the way. Henry says that he's never had anything like this happen to him before, and his daughter backs him up, saying that her father is perfectly healthy except for some acid reflux problems. And now that Henry has to tell his doctor the entire truth, he makes up a terrible excuse -- about how he heard the coffee in the cafeteria was awesome and she should go try it -- to get his daughter out of the room. But what about her nausea? I guess it just came from being in a room full of Ben-Gay vapors and is no longer a concern.