Sex Kills

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
This Show Is Written By Puritans

House finds sleeping and diet pills in Laura's secret drawer. Agent Weiss is surprised at how much his wife kept from him, although it's not like she was being all that secretive about it. I mean, they're in a kitchen drawer where anyone could find them, if anyone was a decent husband who took a turn cooking dinner once in a while. House tells Agent Weiss not to get all sulky about his wife's secrets, since they really aren't that major...yet.

House has returned to PPTH to talk over his findings with Foreman. I'd like to think he's doing this because he trusts Foreman's opinion because he knows Foreman is the only other competent doctor on staff, but that's probably not the case. Laura's secret drugs could have caused some of her symptoms, but not all of them, so the trip home wasn't much help after all. Then Cameron returns with some photos she found in Laura's locked desk drawer. How did she get in there? Does Cameron possess heretofore-unseen lock-picking skills? That would be cool. House doesn't think her find is very interesting or helpful until he gets a look at the photos -- naked teenage boys! Hello! You know Cameron took a few minutes alone with those photos before turning them over to House. It's about time she got to have some eye candy after the guys got to drool over that s/he supermodel. "Teenage boys aren't toxins," Foreman says dismissively. Not unless you're a teenage girl. This gives House an idea: "What if the cyst isn't a cyst?" he wonders. "What if it's a scar?" A gonorrhea scar, that is!

Cameron draws some blood from Dead Laura. Agent Weiss is asks what she's being tested for now. "Just some more infections," Cameron mumbles. Man, she didn't even TRY to lie that time.

Guess who has gonorrhea? That's right -- Laura! I swear, no one gets away with cheating on their spouses and having unsafe sex on this show. Even after you die, you aren't safe from getting some horrible form of an STD! If it's not African Sleeping Sickness, it's a liver cyst. Cameron says that they're treating Laura for the gonorrhea now. Chase enters to announce that Henry is on his way out. They have to do the surgery right now, meaning they don't have time to wait for the gonorrhea to go away. Which means we've found yet another way that you can get an STD without having sex on this show.

I still don't understand how House was able to get this all approved by the hospital, but the transplant team rushes in to take Henry and Laura away to the OR. Agent Weiss asks what ended up being wrong with his wife, leaving House and Cameron standing around with their mouths open trying to think of a good lie. Obviously, Cameron won't be much help, so House has to fight his inner asshole demons that are telling him to torture Agent Weiss with the truth. Amazingly enough, the guy who compared Agent Weiss's wife to meat and a refrigerator without power has the tact and self-control to say that she had that amoebiasis after all, and that they found another way to cure her. Agent Weiss thanks them and walks away. Cameron is surprised and pleased that her boss was so kind. Unfortunately for her, this is yet another case of assuming too much, as House tells her that he only lied to Agent Weiss to keep him from getting angry and kneeing him in the balls again. As soon as they get Laura's heart, Cameron will have to tell Agent Weiss the truth about his wife. Cameron thinks House is kidding, but he says the guy has to be tested before he starts indulging in sympathy sex.

Laura's heart is put into Henry's body without incident. Henry will live to see another bridge game, and Laura is finally gone. Agent Weiss watches the surgery from the balcony above the operating theater and mourns her death for about two seconds before Cameron walks in to tell him the truth. But before she can, Agent Weiss starts sharing that Laura was distant in the past year, and at one point, he thought she was having an affair. But then he realized that Laura would never cheat on him. He can't say the same for himself, though! He had a one-night stand and got gonorrhea. OH! WHAT WHAT! Here I was, wrongly assuming that Laura was the cheater with those high-school students, when all along it was Agent Weiss who cheated on her! "I guess I should've said something to you," he says. Uh, yeah. But then he would have had to admit to himself that he gave Laura the gonorrhea that made her sick and caused her to get in that car accident. He's very relieved to find out that it didn't. And way to withhold crucial information, there, Agent Weiss. What if they hadn't figured out that Laura had gonorrhea before Henry died? Now you deserve a knee to the balls. Cameron doesn't have anything to say to that, although she does have a series of awesome facial expressions. First, we have disbelief, then disgusted disbelief, and then she opens her mouth to say something and just gives up, leaving us with resigned exasperation. Poor old Cameron -- everyone gets to cheat on their spouses except her!

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