Sex Kills

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
This Show Is Written By Puritans

Foreman informs the crew that Henry's little confession is that his right testicle is twice the size of his left one. And he never thought to have this checked out before? Was he waiting for the smaller one to catch up to achieve symmetry? House listens to this while playing with his giant tennis ball, which is twice the size of a normal tennis ball. Chase is quick to diagnose Henry with testicular cancer, but House dismisses this, figuring that Foreman already jumped to that conclusion, tested Henry for it, and came up with nothing. Let's hope those tests were done with more care and attention than the last person PPTH tested for cancer. House notices a "microabscess" in Henry's brain MRIs, which Foreman simply dismisses as a shadow because he's not a very good doctor. Brain problems plus enlarged testiscles equal STDs to House, and he orders the Cottages to treat Henry for every STD they can. Never mind the fact that Henry has already tested negative for STDs. House figures that if it's not an STD, the only other choice is lymphoma, in which case Henry will die anyway. And his insurance company will be thrilled to cover those charges for unnecessary STD drugs, I'm sure. Not to mention the fact that every time House thinks he's got the disease possibilities narrowed down, there's always one thing he hasn't thought of yet.

Now that he's written his patient off as either dying or suffering from STDs conveniently undetected by the hospital lab, House has some free time. He finds Wilson at the hospital gift shop buying expensive chocolates for his wife. House immediately suspects that Wilson is feeling guilty about something and he wants to know what it is. He suspects Wilson is having an affair. "It's not all about sex, House," Wilson says. "Really? When did that change?" House asks. Not in this episode, that's for sure.

House reports to Clinic duty. His patient is the guy who played Warren on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, although I have to admit that I never watched that show so I didn't get all giddy seeing him here. I was pleased to note that actors from The Mystery Files Of Shelby Woo were getting work, though. Anyway, Warren wants a high dose of Depo-Provera to "calm [him] down." As in "chemically castrate" him, which is what high doses of that contraceptive apparently do to men. House sighs and says that he knows how this is going to go: he'll get up to leave, only to be called back when he reaches the doorway so that Warrren can tell him the real embarrassing thing that has brought him to the Clinic today. Is that a meta-statement on the show's formulaic tendencies or what? House doesn't want to bother with the whole process today because his leg hurts (I guess he ran out of fake morphine), so he'd appreciate it if Warren would just cut to the chase now. "I love cows," says Warren. House takes a few Vicodins before asking questions he knows he doesn't want to hear the answers to. Anyway, Warren really, really loves cows. He thinks they're really hot and doesn't understand why people would eat or make leather out of them. I can only answer for myself, but, if faced with the choice between a good burger and bestiality, I'll take the burger any day of the week. In fact, I'll probably make one on my George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine when I'm done with this recap. Warren wants the Depo so that he can curb his urges before he's forced to act upon them. House decides that this is all a fraternity prank and doesn't give Warren his Depo-Provera. I'd like to give frats the benefit of the doubt here and say that they wouldn't bother with a prank as stupid as this. A call into Loveline about wanting to fuck a cow, maybe. Paying to see a doctor and doing all that research about Depo-Provera? I doubt it.

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