Sex Kills

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
This Show Is Written By Puritans

Foreman breaks the news to Henry that he may have an STD. Henry says that is not possible, and his daughter agrees, especially after hearing that the STD tests were all negative. Silly people! They actually think that test results mean something on this show. Henry denies having had sex since his divorce, and Amy stays in the room to listen and agree, whereas as soon as the doctor even mentioned the possibility of my dad's having an STD, I would have been out of there, screaming "TMI! TMI! TMI!" all the way down the hall.

Out in the hall, Foreman tells House that Henry denied the possibility of having an STD; therefore, he wants to start treating Henry for lymphoma (even though they have absolutely no proof that he has that, either), hoping that they can cure him with some really aggressive treatment. House still thinks Henry has an STD, and uses Wilson to prove it, which has the bonus of causing Wilson great personal embarassment. He yells across the lobby to Wilson, interrupting his conversation with a cute young blonde, to ask how long he can go without sex. "I'm not having an affair!" Wilson responds, annoyed. Foreman informs House that people have a thing called "impulse control," which allows them to curb their urges to have sex and be completely inappropriate in the workplace. Foreman has to explain this to House because House is obviously lacking it himself. But what he lacks in tact he makes for in intuition, telling Foreman to wait until Amy goes to lunch and Henry pages Foreman back to his room so he can tell the truth about his sex life without his daughter's hearing. Sure enough, Foreman's pager goes off, and he rolls his eyes. It's exasperating when someone you don't like is right all the time, isn't it, Foreman?

House goes to Henry's room in one of those rare moments when House meets one of his patients without being forced to. Henry tells him that he doesn't want Amy to know this, but that he had sex with her mom. "She probably knows that's happened already," House says. Hee hee hee. Henry explains that his evil ex-wife cheated on him a bunch of times before he finally got fed up and divorced her, and that his daughter would think he was an idiot to go back to her after everything she did to him. As House injects a "cocktail" of STD drugs into what appears to be Henry's ass, Henry tells him how he ran into his ex at some cheese-tasting thing and they had a one-night stand. He knows it was stupid, but figures that great things can happen if you're willing to look stupid. House stares at him and wonders how many times he missed out on a great thing because he didn't want to look stupid. He'd better not be putting Stacy in the "great thing" category. Amy walks in and asks what's going on. Henry hastily pulls the back of his robe closed -- like, try knocking before you enter, Amy -- and admits that there's a possibility he has an STD after all. But before he can give any details, House tells her that Henry "met a woman in church." Aw, I think House might have done his patient a solid by covering for him there! That's one of the only nice things he's ever done for his patients, aside from saving their lives! Amy smiles and asks if this woman could be Henry's next bridge partner. Henry loves the joke. In fact, he laughs so hard that his lungs fall out! House calls for a crash cart as nurses run into the room and shove Amy aside. House springs into doctor action, which I always love to see, and intubates Henry, whose lungs are all foamy. Amy interrupts the people trying to save her father's life to ask what kind of STD does this. I know you're worried and all, Amy, but you might want to save the Q&A session until AFTER your father's been stabilized. Nevertheless, House looks up to answer her that this isn't an STD. Whoops! Looks like House got the diagnosis wrong again!

When we come back from commercial, Chase is telling the team that once they got all of the fluid out of Henry's lungs, they found out that the problem was not there, but in an obstructed mitral valve. This symptom rules out both STDs and the lymphoma, leaving them with a mystery disease that attacks the brain, heart, and testicles, what many men would consider to be the three organs they can't live without. The Cottages don't have any good theories, but House has one, or, at very least, a good proverb: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

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