House

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Everybody Lies. Except Martha. Also Sam.
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

It's a beautiful day in the oddly desert-like hills of New Jersey. Perfect weather to carry your large wooden cross, as one man is clearly taking advantage of. He sets it down on the ground and his four followers get to work tying his feet and arms to it while he mumbles various religious things. Finally, it's time for the pièce de résistance and nails are driven through the man's palms, which he doesn't seem to mind very much as he smiles while the blood pours out of his hands. With that, the man and his cross are raised to overlook beautiful downtown ... uh ... New Jersey? I'm not familiar enough with the state to know which city's skyline we're looking at. It kind of looks like Los Angeles to me, really. The man, Ramon, enjoys the view for all of three seconds before he's barfing blood. Apparently, this is not supposed to happen, so his followers hurriedly move to take him down while trying to figure out just what the hell they're going to tell the ER.

House greets Cuddy in the PPTH lobby by accusing her of forcing him to masturbate because she's still refusing to see him until he apologizes and he's still refusing to apologize and I'm still refusing to give a shit about this story arc. House doesn't give a shit about the new case Cuddy wants him to take either, until she tells him the patient has puncture wounds in his hands from a crucifixion. That piques his interest. Ever the optimist, House is also able to find a silver lining in the dark cloud of his current relationship status: now he doesn't have to be Cuddy's date to PPTH's Chairman of the Board's wedding. Cuddy says she is not going to let him stand the Chairman up, like the Chairman doesn't know House well enough not to be relieved he isn't there. House says he will go with Cuddy as long as she doesn't mistake his attendance for an admission of guilt. Also, there's a chance she might get drunk enough to let him have sex with her. This somehow means he also has to attend the rehearsal dinner. Why is Cuddy even at the rehearsal dinner? Is she in the wedding party? Weird.

House arrives at Ramon's room with Martha and Chase in tow and informs the patient that he's crazy for crucifying himself. Ramon explains that his daughter, who happens to be sitting at his bedside, was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and given two months to live. Ramon says he made his "deal" then. "With your health insurance carrier?" House asks. "With God," Ramon says. Smart decision on Ramon's part, actually. God is probably much easier to reach and more reliable to get satisfactory results from than a health insurance company. And this is coming from someone who doesn't believe in God. Ramon told God he would nail himself to a cross every year his daughter stayed alive. Three weeks later, she was cancer-free, so now Ramon is stuck doing the annual crucifixion thing. His wife left him because of it, which House says only speaks to her sanity. Daughter asks House if he believes in God. House says he did until he "grew curly hairs." Chase gives House a look that says "how about you don't talk about your pubic hair in front of a young girl and her father?" Daughter counters that there's no other explanation for her being cured other than God intervening, but House says there are many possibilities and it's just human nature to have to have answers that makes people believe in God rather than not know what happened. Chase asks House to leave Ramon alone so they can do an LP.

Wilson arrives at work a bit late to find House already in his office. He needs Wilson's help to figure out why his new patient's daughter's terminal cancer went away and also wants to know why Wilson is late for work in the first place. Wilson's excuses fall flat as House knows way too much about him and his schedule so he knows that Wilson's tires are too new to have a flat and there are no construction sites between Wilson's house and PPTH that could have put debris in the road for Wilson to run over, thus puncturing his tire. Wilson isn't as creeped out as he probably should be and says the girl could have recovered because the cancer was a misdiagnosis in the first place (very possible if it was diagnosed by PPTH's only cancer doctor) or maybe it was just a "spontaneous remission."

Wilson finally comes clean with House as to what delayed him on his way to work: he was buying an engagement ring. On the way to work? Are jewelry stores even open that early? How weird. And not very romantic. House examines the ring and tells Wilson that his idea to propose to Sam at the wedding is the second stupidest thing he's heard today, especially since there's no need to buy a new engagement ring when she probably still has the one Wilson gave the first time they were engaged. Wilson deflects by asking House about his love life or lack thereof with Cuddy, recommending that House just apologize to her even though he doesn't mean it. Instead of taking that advice, House uses it to think of a way he can get Cuddy to give in: by catching her lying to him and hoping two wrongs will make a right or something.

The Cottages hang out in the lab and run tests while gossiping about the Chairman of the Board's bride-to-be, a "gorgeous woman half his age." "Lucky guy," Chase says. Foreman doesn't think he'll be lucky for that long. Martha adds to the conversation by saying her parents have been "happily married" for 32 years even though her father is 19 years older than her mother. Foreman says age gap marriages like that can work as long as the couple isn't marrying because the guy is rich and the woman is a hot model. "That didn't come out right," he then apologizes. Even Foreman will apologize before House. Geez. Martha says her father was the Classics chair at Columbia and her mother was his "gorgeous" student. And now we know more about Martha's parents than we do Taub's, who speaks up only to ask what the group thinks it means when someone takes her cell phone into the shower with her. Foreman says it means she doesn't want Taub to see her calls, emails, or texts. Chase says it means "the chickens are coming home to roost," figuring that Taub is talking about his wife. Martha says she brings her cell phone into the shower with her all the time "out of habit" even though she lives alone. Why would she do that? All the steam from the shower is going to get into the phone and break it. Some genius she is. When Taub adds that his wife has a meeting today at a hotel, though, Martha has to agree with Chase. With that, all the tests for infection have come back negative even though Ramon has many symptoms of an infection. Taub suggests that Ramon caught an infection from a horse, as he spends a lot of time around them as part of his stable-building job and he has a bunch of open wounds on his hands that make it easy for the Rhodococcus equi bacteria to enter his bloodstream.

Taub and Chase inform Ramon that he has a horse disease. He asks if losing your teeth is one of the symptoms, showing off a freshly-lost canine tooth. That's certainly a bummer, but at least he'll get a few dollars from the tooth fairy. It also is not a symptom of the horse disease, so House sends the Cottages off to search Ramon's pad for heavy metals. Taub is excused to go spy on his wife at her hotel "meeting," which House knows about because Chase told him before Martha apparently had the chance to.

As for House, he's back in the Clinic asking Cuddy for Ramon's daughter's medical records. He's also wearing a suit, tie, and a vest. Cuddy says she's not about to violate patient privacy laws just so House can try to prove to Ramon that God isn't real, especially when there are so many even less significant reasons for her to do that. She finally notices what House is wearing and asks, disapprovingly, "why are you wearing that?" Like Cuddy, who goes to work dressed like she just stepped out of a lingerie ad, has any room to criticize what other people wear to work. House says he put on his "dressy casual" best for the rehearsal dinner. "You look like Wilson. It looks weird," Cuddy says. I thought

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