House
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Cheaters Never Win (Except For Sometimes)

Bicycles race through a cheering crowd. Two boys leap out of a van, excited to see the race. They run off to "turn six," one of them trailing behind and holding his chest. Does anyone fall for the victim fake-out anymore? I think it's safe to say that if someone's showing scary symptoms in before the opening credits, they are definitely not going to be House's next patient. The kid has asthma, but is too thrilled to see his favorite cyclist to care. Jeff and his magical bike that switches from mountain to racing tires in the blink of an eye race by them, and they cheer for him, since most young boys just love cycling. One of the boys notes that Jeff doesn't look so good. Then Jeff falls off his bike and gets run over by all the racers behind him, and he looks a lot worse.

House is working hard today -- although not at his actual job. Instead, he has constructed a device equal parts Rube Goldberg and dominos in which CD cases knock into each other and then into some books, which then knock over what appears to be a candlestick, which in turn hits House's favorite giant tennis ball into a Vicodin bottle, which falls into House's waiting hand. There was a roll of tape and some scales involved somewhere along the way, too. House's happiness at the success of his time-filler is dampened by the arrival of Stacy, who needs to talk. House's doctor credentials need updating RIGHT NOW even though the deadline isn't for another two months. House exposits that Stacy was lot more fun when she was having sex with him. Then she had to go off and get married. Also, she's wearing a really unattractive headband. Is it an effort to look younger by adopting a style preferred by pre-teen girls? A clever way to tighten whatever loose forehead skin the Botox didn't get? Whatever the reason, I think it's safe to say that it didn't work out. Stacy starts in on House for using his only female employee to do his clerical work, since it looks like sexual harassment. Yeah, on Cameron's part, since we all know she's only stuck doing that stuff because she volunteered to do it in order to get closer to her boss. Cuddy interrupts to tell House he has a new patient. House is happy to has a reason to leave Stacy.

House joins Cuddy in the hall and demands that she fire Stacy. Cuddy ignores him and tells him about his new patient, Jeff, a "world-class" cyclist who races on dirt roads to an eager audience of, like, ten people. Jeff went into respiratory arrest. House is tired of Stacy making him do pointless paperwork. And, he adds, she's hostile, which makes him shrink up like...well, like something sexual that House apparently finds it inappropriate to say, so you know it must have been really, really inappropriate. Cuddy continues telling House about Jeff, but House says he already knows how this case is going to play out: it's a professional athlete who will deny using performance-enhancing drugs. Then House will do tests and prove that he is, in fact, doing drugs. Except that, based on experience, those drugs will be cadmium-soil-grown weed, not steroids. Does House even pay attention to his own patients anymore? House insists that it is impossible for him to work with his ex-girlfriend. Cuddy can see how Stacy's having a thing for House makes it impossible for her to work with him -- except for the fact that it's House who has the thing for Stacy and finds it impossible to work with her. House starts to hobble away, but then Cuddy tells him the one thing that will interest him enough to take the Jeff's case: Jeff admitted to using drugs.

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House

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