House
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Cheaters Never Win (Except For Sometimes)

House instadiagnoses Jeff's drooling problem to Chase wearing his "short shorts." Chase says that Jeff's neck and jaw "muscle fatigue" is a sign that Jeff has other problems besides his air bubble. Just once, I want someone on this show to have one problem and one problem only, not seventy-five little things that have to be fixed before they can take care of the real disease. House says the other option is that Chase screwed up the air bubble removal and hit a nerve. Chase protests that his bubble-removal was totally clean, and that Jeff's leg muscle weakness points to a systemic problem. Funny how Jeff's legs weren't of any concern to Chase before he could use them to prove his innocence. Everyone takes a turn supplying the name of a muscle weakness-related disease Jeff could have, and House orders a full blood workup on Jeff, including a test for lupus and a muscle biopsy. He will be off attending his "session."

What session, you might ask? Why, a group therapy session on coping with disability, of course! House joins the group already in progress as Mark is wondering when he'll stop being so angry about being in a wheelchair. "Not today!" House says. He tells therapy leader Dr. Harper that he's got a bad leg and he's upset about it, making him a perfect candidate for this session. Mark is livid. House warmly greets the rest of the group, who are like, "What's going on here? And why does that Mark talk all the time and never let any of us get to say anything?" Dr. Harper suggests some other therapy sessions for House to attend that don't include his current arch-nemesis, but House's busy fake schedule makes this session the only one he can attend. Meanwhile, I hope his patient doesn't die while House is off satisfying his own petty need for revenge instead of doing his job. House volunteers to leave the session if it's such a problem that he's there, knowing full well that Dr. Harper won't let that happen after begging him to get some help for years. Again showing just how little Dr. Harper knows about House, she naively believes that for House and Mark to be in therapy together could help both men resolve their problems with each other and become disability allies. "I'm tired of fighting," House agrees. Mark just laughs, realizing that he has to let House stay or look like an asshole. I still would have said no.

The Cottages are off doing their jobs. Cameron reports that she chose to remove some of Jeff's thigh muscle for the biopsy, which just happens to be the most painful place to cut into. She's only nice to the patients who meet her high moral standards, you see. Chase calls Cameron out on drinking caffeine-filled coffee to enhance her performance. "Don't start her up again," Foreman pleads. I love him. Cameron says that caffeine is legal, while what Jeff uses is not, arbitrary as bike race rules may be. I don't think it's really all that arbitrary to outlaw steroids and blood doping, but that's just me. "So if you break an arbitrary rule, Cameron damns you to hell. But if you break a rule that has a reason, that's designed to protect people, Cameron develops a crazy crush on you," Foreman says. Have I mentioned that I love him? Cameron says the difference is that House does what he does to help people, not to glorify himself. Except...wasn't Jeff just racing in a charity race, using his fame and success to raise money for disadvantaged people? And you can't tell me that House doesn't use his medical victories to further inflate his ego there. So, again, it's really not as black-and-white as Cameron likes to think it is. Foreman tells Cameron to go report Jeff to the bike authorities if she's so up in arms about it, then. By her logic, the confidentiality rule she'd be breaking is far outweighed by the better place she'd be making the world by taking Cheatin' Jeff out of its bike races. Foreman and Chase share a laugh at Cameron's expense.

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