House
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Cheaters Never Win (Except For Sometimes)

House and Mark continue to monopolize the group therapy session. Now they're playing the "who has it worse?" game, a slight variant on their usual "who's better for Stacy?" pissing contests. House says that Mark is better off, since he has Stacy's love to help him through his recovery. Although...that could also make things more difficult for Mark, couldn't it? House knows from experience that Stacy tells you not to rush the recovery process, but you know she knows that she got married to be a wife, not a nursemaid. Sooner or later, she's going to get sick of Mark's inability to have sex with her and get herself a real man. So sayeth House. The rest of the therapy group, including crappy Dr. Harper, just sit there all like "This could get so awesome. I can't wait to see what happens next!" Well, except for that blind guy, who will have to settle for just hearing it. Mark's long-awaited response is that House is a "manipulative son of a bitch" that Stacy must have a made a huge mistake in life to have ever ended up with. House says that could be true, or maybe House wasn't a mistake, and Stacy got something from him that she doesn't get from Mark. Apparently, Stacy goes for manipulative sons of bitches. Too bad for Mark that he isn't one, eh? Mark screams that if House doesn't leave this session, he will, and Dr. Harper is forced to intervene, ruining the fun for everyone else. She tells House to try to clear his busy fake schedule and come to Monday sessions from now on.

House returns to the meeting room, feeling the high that only comes from the successful screwing with another person's mind. The Cottages are already there, keeping themselves busy by reading a magazine (Foreman) or using a laptop to fervently post at MoralOutrage.com (guess). They tell House that Jeff's muscle weakness is getting worse; he can barely move his arms and legs. All of their tests have come back negative. "Maybe his bike shorts are just on too tight," Cameron says. You just know it took her all day to come up with that one, and it's immediately ruined when Chase, seeing an opportunity to finally win the coveted title of House's Favorite, asks Cameron whether her belief that people should perform without aids extends to House's use of a cane. Cameron says that's different: House is just trying to achieve "normality." Thank you, writers for not making her say the made-up word "normalcy" there. Jeff, on the other hand, is trying to give himself "superpowers." Foreman just rolls his eyes, which is his superpower. House does not yell at everyone for talking about him like he isn't even there, or using his handicap to try to win a stupid argument, but instead wonders why, if Jeff is doing everything he can to improve his body chemistry, his lab results are only normal. At the very least, his red count should be high. Chase says it could be that Jeff's body chemistry is naturally lower than normal. Except that his white blood count is high, too, which could indicate an infection. Chase suggests encephalitis. "That's kind of a long shot," Cameron snorts. Chase give her an indignant glare double-take that was truly great, but still not as good as Cuddy's "plot twist!" head-pivot. House orders a lumbar puncture and antibiotics.

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House

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