House
Sports Medicine

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One second later, House is in Cuddy's office getting reamed for LYING to his patient about what Lupron really does. It is, yes, an anti-steroid drug and it isn't like milk at all. House says that they're both creamy. Cuddy rolls her eyes. House lists three reasons to lie to Hank, which he will be making up now. Reason #1: Hank lied to House first. Reason #2: if House told the truth about Lupron, Hank wouldn't have agreed to take it. Cuddy asks what will happen to Hank if he were telling the truth. "Severe respiratory problems," House says. Cuddy presses the button hidden under her coffee cup that alerts the code team to get ready to go to work on House's latest casualty, and asks for the third reason. House says he wanted to "eliminate the placebo effect," because shrinking testicles are purely psychosomatic. And House has a bonus fourth reason: if Hank was telling the truth about not taking steroids, then whatever is wrong with him is most likely something really, really bad, so he probably won't be around long enough to file a lawsuit against the hospital anyway.

Cut to Hank having severe respiratory problems. The Yankees collectively rub their hands together in delight.

At the latest differential diagnosis session, House informs his kids, minus Foreman, that they have the only professional athlete in the whole world who has never taken steroids, so the shrunken testicles, kidney problems, and osteopenia are being caused by something else. What is it? His theory: the Yankees are pulling a Viktor Yushchenko. Foreman enters the room, late again, and House is curious. But he has to listen to Cameron natter on about how shrunken testicles indicate that Hank's body isn't creating enough testosterone, so House will have to wait to find out what's causing Foreman's tardiness this time. Foreman wonders if Hank's problem could be environmental. House doubts it, since Lola is perfectly healthy. OR IS SHE?!?!?! Chase says that everything, except the kidney failure, can be explained by Addison's disease, a diagnosis House likes a lot because of the cruel irony that its cure is steroids. He likes it so much that he won't even listen to Foreman when he points out that Hank's kidneys can't handle taking steroids. House says that the simple solution to that is to get Hank a new kidney. Foreman thinks they should figure out what's causing the kidney problem first. House says that this is ironic again, and Cameron and Chase both say that Hank tested negative for steroids, Chase laughing as he says it. He used to respect House, but now he just thinks he's ridiculous. House says that the kidney damage could be result of any steroid use within the last five years; Hank might be clean right now, but that doesn't mean he's always been.

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