This week's patient is a man who loses the power of speech at the altar, which House is sure he's just faking to get out of getting married. He diagnoses Ted with cold feet and discharges him, only for Ted to come back with a pleural effusion. A search of Ted's old apartment before he moved in with his spouse-to-be turns up an ex-boyfriend, which is a surprise to everyone, since Ted was scheduled to marry a woman. Ted admits that he "used" to be gay, but then he went to "conversion therapy" that included male hormones and electroconvulsive therapy. He didn't tell any of this to his fiancée, but she starts to figure it out when Ted's ex-boyfriend stops by to visit and acts just a little bit too friendly with Ted. Ted admits the truth but insists that he's straight as an arrow and his fiancée tries to believe him. Ted has heart attacks and headaches until he starts lactating, which is when House figures out that he has a congenital defect in his skull, causing the opening at the base to be narrower than usual. It wasn't a problem for Ted until after the ECT "treatments," which caused his brain to swell just enough to cut off the already-narrowed opening completely, thus causing all of his symptoms. Including the breast milk. I really didn't know that could happen. An operation fixes his malformation but not his relationship, which the fiancée ends, since, you know, he's gay.
Elsewhere in personal problems land, House misses Wilson so much that he gets wasted and passes out in a neighbor's kid's bed. So Wilson pays the Cottages to take House out in the hopes that it'll improve both House and Wilson's social lives. This leads to a choreographed karaoke performance from Chase with back-up singers Foreman and House that was as painful to watch as it was unrealistic. Also, Taub decides that cheating on his wife is more trouble than it's worth and ends things with Maya, while Hadley's hand shakes Huntingtons-ly. And House appears to have traded his Vicodin addiction for alcohol.
It's some woman's wedding day. She looks nervous, and her dad walks in, ready to walk her down the aisle or, he offers, to help her run away from her own wedding. "You sure?" he asks. What a jerk this dad is! Is that really what you want to say to your daughter right before she makes a lifetime commitment? "If I'm not?" the bride-to-be asks when she should be saying, "thanks for the vote of confidence, Father Asshole." "You'll be paying me back for those invitations," he says. She laughs, but I think he's totally serious. "Ted is a wonderful man, Dad," she says; "he's the second-greatest guy I ever met." If she's saying that her father is the first-greatest guy, then clearly she's only met two men in her entire life. And her fiancé must be horrible. Also, one thing that my father can look forward to not hearing on my wedding day? Comparisons between him and my husband. Because if you think about that for more than one second, it's kind of creepy. With that, the wedding begins. The bride and groom take their place at the altar, but when it comes time for groom Ted to say "I do," he remains silent. Bride Nicole thinks he's joking until it becomes obvious that something is seriously wrong. He gasps and collapses. Nothing exciting like that ever happens when I go to weddings.
Wilson wakes up in his bed with Sam beside him. He immediately wakes her up with cuddling, which is annoying. I mean, I guess Sam likes it, but I'd be all "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE. SHOVE OFF." "What time is it?" Sam asks. "Happy time," Wilson says. How has she not dumped him yet? Also, I find it gross when people make out first thing in the morning on TV because if this was real life, they'd have morning breath. "I'm still asleep," Sam says. "Just think of this as a dream," Wilson says, not getting the hint. I'm pretty sure having sex with someone when she's asleep is rape, though. Just saying. Looking for any excuse to get out of this, Sam asks if they should be having sex when House is in the next room. Like they've never done that before? Wilson says House is "sound asleep."
As it happens, House is sound asleep, although not so much in his own bed. No, he's snoozing away, fully-clothed, on rocketship sheets. Yes, that's right: he just pulled a Robert Downey, Jr. and fell asleep in a neighbor's bed that he was too wasted to realize was not his own. He wakes up to find that he's in a child's room and the child is staring at him. This is awkward, but I can see how House made that mistake. The kid's bed is like a king size! What four-year-old has a giant-ass bed like that? Do they even make rocketship sheets in anything other than twin size?