House storms into Wilson's office and hangs up his phone. Wilson tries to make House feel bad about that, claiming that he was on the phone with a 33-year-old woman to tell her she has breast cancer, but House knows Wilson better than that. Wilson likes to inform patients that they have cancer in person, and then cry with them. I hope that's not true. I feel like cancer diagnoses should be told to the patient ASAP, not have to wait a few days until it's convenient for the patient and the doctor to meet in person. Time is kind of important with these things. House accuses Wilson of setting him up on dates with the Cottages. For some reason, he doesn't think Hadley would invite him out to a new lesbian bar just for fun. Wilson cops to it, saying that he wanted to give House something to do and someone to hang out with now that he's been spending all of his time with Sam. And if House doesn't consider Wilson's efforts to be helpful, Esteban probably does. House says he gave Esteban a dollar for his troubles, then asks how much the Cottages went for. Only one hundred dollars each, Wilson says. Except Foreman, who held out for two hundred. Seriously? That's it? Since when were successful doctors that hard up for money? Wilson says he's sincerely worried about House. House thinks Wilson's just trying to avoid feeling guilty for causing House to drink too much or something. Wilson says he's doing it out of pure self-interest because that's what House wants to hear. House then agrees to go out with his Cottages, but makes no guarantees that he'll have fun.
Ted wakes up to find Nicole at his bedside. She immediately asks him about his head trauma. Ted claims he fell off a stepladder and that it was an accident. Since Hadley just told Nicole that whatever happened to Ted was not an accident, she is doubtful. Taub and Hadley walk in to set Ted up for the angiogram. He sits up to meet them, then passes out. He wakes up and sits up again, then passes back out in mid-sentence.
House diagnoses Ted with POTS, or postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Basically, Ted's blood pressure plummets when he's upright. When he lies down, it's fine. It explains all of Ted's symptoms, as well as why they weren't able to catch this before, since Ted was lying down when they took his blood pressure and did other tests. It also explains how Ted's aphasia went away when House jabbed him with the needle, as he was lying down at the time. And mono can cause POTS. Case solved! Hadley goes off to treat Ted while House informs Taub that he read up on the class Taub isn't taking and saw it has a Fourth of July theme, so Taub will want to be sure that the pottery he brings home is "star spangled." How can a pottery class have a Fourth of July theme anyway?