House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C | 1 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Oh, Brother
.

Taub and Foreman make their way through the crowded house. Taub wonders if the hoarding is a symptom of Brian's illness. Foreman thinks the hoarding probably caused Brian's illness. The house is in such bad shape that Brian doesn't have any working utilities (I'm guessing that's from pipes and wires falling into disrepair and the house being too cluttered for a repairman to be able access it to fix them. At least, that's what always seems to happen on Hoarders. One time, the electricity went out because a goat chewed through the wires. Also the entire bedroom wall) although he did manage to keep the fridge going by plugging it into an extension cord leading to a generous neighbor's house. What neighbor is going to help a guy out who is single-handedly ruining the entire street's property values? Taub checks the freezer, where he finds a dead cat. The fridge is full of rotting food. Foreman says Brian could have caught a fungal infection from the horrible, horrible food.

The Housemobile pulls up to a house. House keeps guessing at Hadley's crime, but she won't give it up. House praises her "game face." That's not a game face, House. That's Olivia Wilde's usual blank facial expression. Hadley gets out of the car and knocks on a door. A man played by special guest cameo star Damon Lindelof answers, only to be kneed in the crotch. Hadley talks to him while he crouches on his doorstep in agony, then calmly gets up and returns to the car. Lost fans everywhere who didn't like the finale cheer at watching the man who wrote it (and, um, created the show they loved so much, although I guess they forgot about that) get fake assaulted. Hadley gets back in the car and refuses to tell House who she just kneed in the balls or why.

Taub and Foreman ask Brian about the state of his home and how he manages to exist in it. Brian says he uses bottled water and flashlights in lieu of running water and electricity. "Like camping," he says. Yeah, just like camping. I know when I go camping, I always make sure to bring my dead cat and moldy bell peppers. Foreman says they believe Brian has a fungal infection and will also need be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Brian claims that he isn't a hoarder, but a "major slob." Ah, he's just lazy. I get it. Sometimes it's easier to just put the dead cat in the freezer than bury it in the backyard.

Hadley and House have dinner, and Hadley, despite claiming that she doesn't want House to know what she did to go to jail, brings it up, saying she's kind of disappointed that he couldn't figure out what she did. She figures he would have hired "Cuddy's weird boyfriend" to do some snooping, which is the perfect way for House to reveal that Cuddy isn't dating Lucas anymore and that up until a few episodes ago, she was dating House. Hadley thinks he's kidding, but then House looks all sad until she believes him. "Are you okay?" she pretends to care. House says he's fine. Hadley decides to take House's mind off his own problems by giving him a glimpse into hers. "I killed a man," she reveals. House wasn't expecting that, even though most of the people he employs are also murderers. Cameron helped Joel Grey kill himself, Chase straight-up murdered James Earl Jones, and I think we can say Foreman pretty much murdered that girl by not noticing her bra infection until after he killed off her immune system. Unlike Hadley, though, they don't get caught.

Martha and Taub meet up with Foreman and Chase to inform them that Brian made it through the psych evaluation with no apparent mental issues and the fungal infection diagnosis seems to be wrong, as Brian is getting worse despite the treatment. Chase sighs that it's going to be difficult to figure out what in Brian's home is making him sick since there's so much stuff, but Taub says they can rule toxic exposure out at this point since Brian has been out of his home for days and he's still getting worse. Foreman wonders if being out of that house is actually hurting Brian instead of helping him; saying that if he was using a portable gas heater to heat his house and it was leaking carbon monoxide, then that would have somehow improved Brian's lung function and thus kept his lung symptoms from worsening. The Cottages like this diagnosis because if it's right, then they'll be able to cure Brian quickly and still get two days off. But it also means a trip back to Brian's house to test for carbon monoxide to prove it. Martha happily volunteers herself and Chase, saying that it's only fair since Taub and Foreman went last time.

Hadley takes a turn driving. House stares out the window in silence, apparently preferring not to talk to a murderer. Hadley asks if they can "give this whole thing a rest" since she's had a "pretty rough year." Yeah, I'm sure he's going to drop it now that he knows you murdered someone, Hadley. He won't have any follow-up questions at all. Of course, he asks her how she killed that guy. From the excessive prescribing charge, he guesses that she was driving under the influence, hit someone, and took off. The guy with the freshly-crushed testicles saw her do it and turned her in. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. They put her in jail for just six months for "excessive prescribing" because she got drunk, ran over a guy, and drove away. Not for vehicular manslaughter, DUI, or leaving the scene of an accident.

Foreman spots Ruby, that hot young new nursing assistant Taub hooked up with. He asks her a few questions about how she likes her new job before letting on that he knows about her and Taub. She's clearly not thrilled to know that Taub has been talking about her to both of their co-workers, but that's why you shouldn't sleep with someone you work with in the first place. Especially when you're new and barely know him. Now all the doctors will be expecting her to sleep with them. Foreman then tries to ask her how Taub managed to hook up with her, but she gets all freaked out and asks if Foreman is trying to tell her something abut Taub she should know. So now she thinks that Taub has herpes or something and Foreman probably ruined Taub's future chances with her. He tries to repair the damage but can't think of anything to say that won't make things worse, so he goes with wishing them a good time on their date tonight. Ruby says they actually don't have a date tonight -- Taub cancelled on her.

House wakes up from his rest stop nap to the sounds of Hadley firing off the spud gun. She has a few ideas for how he can improve it, starting with "your gun sucks." I'm disappointed. I thought House was good at everything except personal relations, but it turns out that he's good at everything except personal relations and building spud guns. Fortunately, he has Hadley with him, and the writers really want us to think she's the best at everything.

Martha finds Brian's home to be a fascinating "interactive life history." I guess she hasn't seen that episode of Hoarders where that old lady lived in a potty chair surrounded by stacks of her own dirty diapers. She might not find this kind of thing so awesome then. Chase waves off a few flies and says the air is negative for carbon monoxide, which means Foreman's theory was wrong. But that's okay, because Chase has a new diagnosis: Q fever, contracted from one of the raccoons who apparently live in the house with Brian, as evidenced by the raccoon poop Chase just found in a kitchen cabinet. Martha says Q fever fits Brian's symptoms, but she'd rather hang out in his house and look around some more before they head back to PPTH. But then Martha's snooping around reveals a set of toes peeking out from under a blue tarp. Fortunately, the woman they're attached to is alive. I guess if she were dead, Brian would have just put her in the freezer.

We go to the commercial thinking that Brian has, like, a house full of strange women he abducted, but when we come back, the woman is revealed to be Brian's wife, Nina, who is also sick. And weird. She hid under the tarp when Brian didn't come home and she apparently didn't have the ability to leave the house and look

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House

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