House

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Double House, Double Wilson

He heads down to the morgue, where House is waiting for him with a racquetball ball. Taub passes an exiting morgue worker on his way in, and I have to wonder what that guy is thinking. There's a doctor stretched out on a vacant slab, tossing and catching a ball, and now he's having some sort of meeting there. Also, why hasn't the morgue banned House and his team from the area after that time that he shot up one of their corpses? Or the time Cameron tried to make them answer her calls from newspapers? They are nothing but trouble down there, but the morgue keeps putting up with it. Taub wants to know why House paged him to the morgue. House says the morgue is the only place at PPTH with a perfect racquetball wall, and he demands that Taub update him on Nick's condition while hitting a ball off of it with the racquet provided. And if Taub refuses to do it, he'll be fired. I'd just like to say that the morgue wall is a perfect racquetball wall only if the sport now includes big metal drawers in its courts. Taub accepts the challenge, and attempts to hit the ball while telling House that Nick tested negative for diabetes. He has some trouble when the ball bounces off a corner of a drawer and gets caught up in the legs of an autopsy table with a dead guy on it, but otherwise seems to be doing okay. Taub says he's thinking that Nick's thyroid is affected instead of his pancreas, and gets so excited when House says that "makes sense" that he goes flying into a morgue workstation packed with breakable items and destroys them all. See, morgue? This is what you get. Exasperated, Taub admits that he isn't playing racquetball with Wilson and only said he was because he wanted a department head to owe him a favor. He didn't realize that it would come at a cost of his time and the hatred of the entire morgue department, who now have to clean up after him. He should have known, though -- how long do you have to work for House before you realize that helping someone hide something from him is a bad idea that will only bite you in the ass? House congratulates Taub for putting a good effort into making his racquetball skills look convincing, but says it wasn't good enough -- the racquet House provided was for squash, and any real racquetball player would have known that immediately.

Kumar is assigned to test Nick's thyroid. Nick refuses to let anyone touch him until they explain why Marika has a bandage on her hand. I guess the wife was remaining silent on that front so that Kumar would have to deal with it. Nice. Kumar explains that Marika's hand was burned when they were testing her to see if her neurological disability was related to Nick's. That's all he gets to say before Nick announces that Marika doesn't have a neurological disability -- her "auditory processing disorder" merely means she's kinda slow on the uptake. "She's below average," Nick explains. The wife slapped that label on it because she couldn't accept that her daughter wasn't perfect. By the way, Marika is in the room for all of this, and while she might be slow, she's not totally stupid, so she gets the drift of what her father is saying. The wife, on the other hand, chooses to leave Marika in the room while her husband uncontrollably destroys his daughter's self-esteem instead of getting her out of there, which she really should have done in the first freaking place. Clearly, the apple didn't fall too far from the stupid tree, as Nick says that Marika probably takes after her dumb mom. Nick tries to make things better by saying this is why he wanted his wife to keep Marika home: "I didn't want you here," he says to Marika. FINALLY, Marika decides to take off. Of all the things Nick just said, "I didn't want you here" was the only thing that wasn't actually insulting. While the wife runs after Marika, Nick's fever spikes and his lungs fill with fluid. Why doesn't he just not talk at all if he knows that every time he does, something mean is said? It's not like he's under some magical spell and has to tell the truth all the time like Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar. How can he not know something is inappropriate before he says it, but immediately recognize it after saying it?

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House

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