House
The Socratic Method

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Pennies From Hell

House and the Martins are in conference. Foreman tells us the tumor is 5.8 centimeters, and Chase says that if they do nothing, she'll die from liver failure within sixty days. Cameron suggests a transplant, but House nixes that as a practical impossibility. Wilsensei enters as House advances the idea of surgery. Chase Aussies something about a surgeon named Bergen doing a laser procedure, but Wilsensei says that the tumor is so big that it's past the surgical guidelines. House asks if he would do it at 4.6 centimeters. We end the scene before the real bidding war starts.

At Friedman's mom's bedside, Wilsensei prepares an injection that's 95% ethanol, explaining to Cameron that it will suck the malignant cells dry, temporarily shrinking the tumor to acceptable surgical levels. He administers the injection, taking the latest lead in the "I Heart House Enough To Commit Malpractice And Crime" competition. Of course, there are special bonuses in there for sodomy, so he's already at an advantage.

House walks into the clinic, and Cuddy sweeps in a moment later and wishes him a good morning. He takes that as an invitation for some mild sexual harassment, which she deflects back his way as deftly as an NHL goalie. Were there an NHL these days, that is. House starts to head off to see patients, but Cuddy stops him with a smile and says that her doctors have no secrets from her. He mistakenly thinks that someone reported the ethanol trick, and Cuddy tries to get him to confess, but he realizes in time that she doesn't know what he's talking about. Cuddy, however, is quite the detective, and is almost convinced that House's transgression must involve Friedman. House, however, covers that Cameron found out about House's birthday, and he figured she ran to Cuddy and told her. Cuddy, looking slightly deflated, says she was just going to remind him that he owes her six clinic hours. He walks off, and Cuddy calls someone and asks for charts on all of House's current patients as she tosses a birthday card into the trash. Awwww! I love Cuddy. She could so easily be a totally pushover, like Cameron, or a total bitch, like...House. But she's neither. And that is my favorite scene of this episode.

Some nondescript middle-aged guy with a bad case of the hiccups is telling House that he's got...a bad case of the hiccups. Hee. I can't help think about that bit on The Simpsons when the guy with the persistent hiccups is like, "[Hic!] Kill me. [Hic!] Kill me." House notes that he's tried such remedies as pulling the tongue, hitting himself, and a "groin pinch." Well, he's probably at least preventing himself from reproducing, which seems like it's probably a winning decision. House asks if he's been using an open hand to hit himself, and upon hearing an affirmative, offers, "That's how they teach it at the Harvard Med." Heh. Cuddy looks in and enters as House asks how hard he's hitting himself. The guy demonstrates as Cuddy enters, and House is all, "I missed that. Could you do that again?" Cuddy looks as aghast as I look amused. Which would be very, in case you're wondering if I suddenly grew a heart. Cuddy says she needs to speak to House immediately, but House says he needs to take a piss. He tells Hiccup Guy, "Dial it up a notch." It wouldn't really be the same if the guy didn't oblige, now would it? Good thing this show is well-written.

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