Episode Report Card
Sara M: A- | 1 USERS: B
Identity Crisis

The Cottages frantically page House, but he's not answering. In fact, he tosses his pager in the trash and unpacks a brown paper bag on his bathroom sink. Inside is a small can of shaving cream and a disposable razor. I love it, but are we really supposed to think that House never shaves or owns any shaving equipment? He's got stubble -- not a four-foot-long beard. Anyway, I'm excited to see what he looks like without it. I'm guessing it'll be a lot like Hugh Laurie.

After the break, Foreman informs the Cottages that he is now in charge and House is out, although he doesn't know why or for how long. He gets back to work, and Hadley says Jackson's bloody vomit was caused by necrotizing pancreatitis, which sounds like bad news. Kumar is more concerned about House, though. Foreman tells him to keep his mind on the case. Hadley and Taub do just that, coming up with two diagnoses: Zollinger-Ellison syndrome (Hadley) and systemic scleroderma (Taub). Kumar wants to call House. Get over it, Kumar. Foreman tells them to put Jackson on proton pump inhibitors. If his condition improves, it's Zollinger-Ellison. If not, it's systemic scleroderma. Kumar and Taub take off, but Foreman holds Hadley back. He asks her if she's supporting her Zollinger-Ellison diagnosis because if it's systemic scleroderma, Jackson will die. "Patients die all the time," Hadley says. Yes, they do. Especially when Hadley's around. "Not the ones whose family you've ruined," Foreman says. What a shitty boyfriend! He tries to cover by saying he doesn't think that, but he knows Hadley does. He's right. She says Jackson had perfectly normal teenage feelings until she "started a fire and threw gas on it." But only figuratively, of course. Kumar's the one who does that literally. Foreman says she was trying to help. And the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Wilson arrives at House's apartment just as a pretty young lady is leaving. She says House is getting dressed and leaves, calling out to House that she'll be back around ten tonight. Wilson is sure to give her a wide berth as she passes so as not to contract herpes and asks House who that was. House says he hired her to watch him sleep. She's not a home nurse, though -- those cost too much, and keep trying to sue him for sexual harassment. Instead, he hired a prostitute. Where does House find all these well-dressed and put-together prostitutes? The ones I see are always addicted to crack and stuff. Wilson barely has time to process this before a truly shocking sight meets his eyes: A clean-shaven House wearing a suit. He asks Wilson which tie he should wear. It would have been hilarious if they'd given him a slight beard tan. Wilson doesn't know what to be more surprised about -- the fact that House shaved or the fact that he owns not one, but two ties. House says he's going to St. Sebastian's (Hugh Laurie has a very rare English slip here and pronounces it "Seb-ast-i-an") today to try to start up a diagnostics department there. NO WAY! How long have I been rallying to hear more about this St. Sebastian's?? For like three seasons now! Thank you, writers! And I KNEW it was like the Bizarro PPTH. They don't even have a diagnostic department, but if they get one, it will be run by the anti-House, who is clean-shaven, in a good mood, cane-free, and wears a suit!!! Wilson says he just stopped by to see how House was doing. "I'm fine," he says. "I guess you are," Wilson says. He certainly seems to be, although his taste in background music is poor at best.

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